Sunday, February 28, 2010

They can't get enough of me!
What can I say? The SpaceyStation crew has my blog up and running 24/7 on all of the on board puters and Hooston probably does too by now. I have no idea what they are doing at the Mars Rover offices, but I wouldn't be surprized.

They loves me on planet earth and they loves me in space!

I is famous! I is blushing!


This AstroBear PolyNaught stuff is EasyPeasey!
by ZeroBear

It has been a good first day here at the Spacey Station and The crew already knows that they need me to carry them forward into the new age of Space.
Here I am, showing the guys (my new spacebuds) how easy it is to float from one module to the next with only an occassional head smash. Unfortunately, some of them seem to be a little jealous already, but that's what happens when brilliance comes up against commonness. Here I am floating down to visit with Astronaught Martin, who is in Timeout. I think he may have forgot to flush, or put the lid down when he finished his bidness. They have so many rules here. I have been in timeout twice already and I haven't been here even one day yet! I did learn not to yell at ISS Commander Jim when he tells me he has no fishsticks planned for lunch, so maybe I'll do better tomorrow.

One thing I have noticed already. If you look at that photo above, you'll see the place is a mess. They have junk scattered all over the place. Wherever you look it's just knobs, cables, boxes and wires. I don't think they know what half this stuff actually does. After everyone goes to bed tonight I think I'll open the door and push some of this junk out into the back yard to help them clean up a little. Mumzie would blame this kind of mess on me if she saw this junkyness, so I need to do my part to straighten things up.
Already, they are relying on me to read the 'structions to them and explain the meaning of the hard words, like "Screwingdriver" and "rench". Here we are, using a rench to install a thingamajig onto a whoozit. I really don't need the structions, but Hooston has this thing about doing it "By The Book", whatever that means. Anyhow I already have figured out how to keep them on their toes by reading a line and then while they are doing the step I suddenly shout, "No wait! The structions actually said whatever you do, don't do it that way, or catostrophic failure of hull integrity will occur!" What a hoot! You should see them jump when I screams out that.

What they ever did without me to liven this place up, I have no idea.

Thankfully the station appears to be booger free and apparantly has really good locks on the outside doors. I left my shootsgun at home by mistake and have no really effective weapons to use against any space boogers that might show up. 

I am concerned about security here. I have no idea where they store the space rayguns and them phazers and photon cannons and such. Maybe I'll have me a little look and plunder time tonight after everyone goes to bed. The weapons room has gotta be here somewheres and this place could use a little heavily armed security PolyBear presence.

Food? Boring!

I have yet to find the chocolate ice cream stash.

Can you believe when lunch came around today, they has no fish sticks? Sheesh - $22,471,642,896,237.98 and no fish sticks on board? Someone at NASA needs their keester kicked. I have not yet located the deepfryer or their Pronto Pup dipping station or where they store the french fryes either. As near as I can tell, there is not onion ring one in the kitchen. I went through the entire supply of snickeysnacks this afternoon and did not find a single bag of fritos or chips.

Mumzie, if you reads this could you beam me up some Miz Paul's crunchy all fillet (no filler added) fish sticks? I could use the propane torch too, if Da doesn't need it.

And the toilet is spooky, Let me tell you! As I understand, a polybear could get sucked down into a storage container filled with stuff we don't need to mention here.

At least they have good puters here.

Here I am showing Spacey Station Astronaught Dan how to get to my Blog Page.


You're gonna like it a lot, bro. I is the star attraction.

I am a little concerned with all the velcro up here. They have it attached to the walls all over the place. I brushed up against a piece this morning and it took me two hours to break myself free. That stuff grips PolyBear fur like ... well velcro!


ZeroBear Arrives at ISS
by ZeroBear

It's true! History has been made! I am here! We probably should have sent out a news release because evidently no one knew I was headed toward the Spacey Station and we only managed to get minor coverage of my arrival to the International Spacey Station by PolyAnimal Planet News this morning and a 15 second blurp in CNN. 
Thanks to a chance shot by a passing NSA spy satellite, Here is the arrival of USPS Priority Mail space delivery vehicle #1 with commander George the Postman at the controls as he moves in for docking with the ISS mailbox, early this morning 03:59:27 hours CST, at a point somewheres over the Pacific Ocean.

The Spacey Station crew was all asleep when I got there and so MailMan George left the Priority Mail delivery on the doorstep. Apparantly the package containing your's truely was too big for the ISS curbside mailbox and it seems the $5.00 postal fee the chipmunks paid did not include the Post Office's "Priority Ring the Dang Doorbell" service. It's lucky I am able to hold my breath for a long time, because since I arrived on a Sunday morning after a latenight Laker's game the previous evening and an old John Travolta movie, it was like 8:30 in the morning before Commander Jeff Williams stepped out the kitchen door into open space to pick up his Sunday Morning paper and found my Prioroty Mail package lying there on the stoop.
Here is a somewhat surprized ISS Commander Jeff Williams in his official ISS jammies welcoming America's first (and the world's most famous) AstroBear PolyNaught, ZeroBear, esq. to the ISS. I'll tell you that PolyNaught ZeroBear has not yet developed his space legs and seems to be having trouble staying upright. This is actually the second photo taken. The first was discarded because PolyNaught ZeroBear was in the process of urping on some electronic thing that really sparked and smoked as the ISS photographer snapped the initial shot. Evidently they don't like to show photos of space urp or electronic gear shorting out, unless it's a Tom Hanks movie.

As with all famous Space Explorers, PolyNaught ZeroBear made a historic first statement upon exiting his only slightly damaged Priority Express Postal Service Package into the Spacey Station. Flight controllers in Houston, TX recorded PolyNaught ZeroBear's first words for humanity as he said:

"That's one small delivery for USPS. What's for Breakfast?"

There will be much more from the Spacey Station. They has lots of computers and high speed interwebs service here and I'm going to log me some chat room time before everyone wakes up. I wonder where the Klingon's sleeping quarters are?

Saturday, February 27, 2010


He's Off!
by ZeroBear and the Chipmunks

If this gets posted I am on my way to the International Spacey Station and am virtually guaranteed success in my plot efforts to get the US Government to Pay the Cost Help me travel to our greatest experiment in space living since Buck Rogers went to the planet Zendorff.

Here's what I did.
Yesterday I called the post office and had them deliver me a Priority Mail Flat Rate Box. You may not know this, but I learned from the interwebs that for a flat rate (I figure 5 bucks) they guarantee that they will deliver the box ANYWHERE!

I raided Da's Goodies hiding place and provisioned out my Flat Rate Box, borrowed Mumzie's flip phone so's I can post via Cellular South's $48.00/month all you can text plan (2 year contract required) and got the chipmunk's to seal me up.

Hopefully they pasted the photo (just above here guys) and called the postoffice for a pickup.

Ok guys, take photo of box pickup and paste here.

If we are this far, I am on my way!

More on my adventure later. By-By Mumzie and Da! I'll call you guys from Outerspace. If you get a collect call from the International Spacey Station, it'll be from your little AstroBear PolyNaught, ZeroBear!

Oh Mumzie, if a Miz. Shiela e-mails me, e-mail her back and tell her I'm more famouser than ever now but I still think she is a nice dresser and has pretty pink hair. Tell her that depending on how things go up (out?) in space I might be gone for a while, but if they do a TV link up while I'm there, I'll give her a special shout out.

Friday, February 26, 2010


Hats
by ZeroBear


Mumzie got me a new hat the other day. I mean it's ok. Its black, which matches my eyeballs and all... I haven't worn it outside yet to see if its warm cause it's raining and I hate getting wet cause Mumzie wants to throw me into the dryer when I gets wet. She claims I'll mold if she doesn't dry me right away but I think she just like to watch me tumble over and over screaming "We're all gonna Die!"
She said it has Norweegen Style and suitability for a PolyBear but I just don't know. It does make me look taller and I'm certain Shiela would like it if I was taller. You remember Lovely Shiela, my interwebs chat room lady friend, don't you?
Hot'cha. I always likes me some shiney women. It's just that Shiela is real classey and I just don't know if she would like a Norweegen hat.

Hea Check this out!
If I had me some eyeholes I could wrassle on Monday Night WWF Raw. I'd be:

"MeanMadMungo, the Masked MysteryBear from Parts Unknown"

Peaches wants to be my manager. She said Herb could be my tag team partner if we could get him a mask. Sadly I don't see Herb as much of a wrassler. Who ever heard of a wrasslin chipmunk? Maybe we could get him a pig on a leash so he'd have some style, but I can't see him jumpig from the top rope and knocking anyone over, unless he hit them in the side of the head, cause he is hard as a rock.
After lots of thinking, I decided to keep Da's hat. It's a lot softer and has more room for my ears. Da can wear that black job. Turns out it was really blue and didn't match my beadyblack eyeballs at all. I'll discuss it with Shiela tonight in the pink peoples chatroom. I think she gets off at the casino lounge at 12:30am. She is a mixologist, whatever that is.



Disturbing Facts About Zombies
By ZeroBear

Thanks to the book “The Zombie Survival Guide", that BroBert and Miz-D gave us, and a few highly informative interwebs sites, I am quickly becoming a worldwide leading famous know-it-all authority on Zombies. Literally threes and twos of peoples are coming to me each year seeking help from these boogers.

In an effort to serve the readers of ZeroBear Blog, (and hopefully win that million dollar Nobel Peace Prize) I'll share some facts you really need to know:

1. Zombies is Living Dead, Mindless Peoples. If this is true, except for the living dead part, many of my best buds are Zombies.

2. As near as I can tell, Zombies has been Voodooed! I'm not sure what that means, but I don't like it one bit!

3. There is no doubt that Zombies are active at night, when it’s already dark and scarey.

4. Zombies lives in Graveyards,
which are really spookey places

5. If you gots a Zombie, you gots problems. If you gots lots of Zombies, you gots lots of problems.

6. I called Orkin and they don't do Zombies, so don't waste your time with them.

7. There is an obscure German book: Das Gespensterbuch by Marina Warner. I have no idea what it says, other than that's some scarey German word for sure.

8. When the alarm clock goes off in the early morning and Da gets up and stumbles through the dark toward the coffee pot, he looks just like a Zombie (Ha! - Man I break myself up sometimes - Just kidding, Da actually you'se a lot scarier than a Zombie - oops - Just Kidding - Really).

9. Wikipedia says there are modern Zombies and if you can’t trust wikipedia, who can you trust? In my opinion I have never read anything on the interwebs that wasn’t 100% fact.

10. If you encounter Zombies,
Haints ain’t far behind.

11. As near as I can tell, Zombies travel in groups big enough that you are always outnumbered.

12. The minute you think you have survived, and everyone is safe they reach out and grab you!


13. “Night of the Living Dead”  
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BBc18J5cUcs  will scare the Beegeebees out of a PolyBear. I’d recommend not sneaking into the den late at night to watch it, even though Ted Turner and the local Fox affiliate both give it three and a half raspberries on a scale of four. Don't you just hate the seeds in Raspberries? I does like me a Raspberry Zinger every so often, though, especially with a diet Dr. Pepper and a bag of Fritos.

14. From my extensive investigations into this field, I have found the first Zombies were mentioned about ten thousand years back “On early clay cuneiforms recovered from Mesopotamian excavations and also in hieroglyphic pictograms discovered on the walls of the funeral crypts of dusty old dead Egyptian dudes”. That makes these scary guys almost as ancient as Da’s nose-hairs and I don’t even like to mention that kind of stuff what with kids and faint of heart womens reading this blog from time to time.

15. Bela Lugosi
may have been a Zombie. I know he was one scary dude.

16. I am suspicious that if you were walking down a dark foggy road passing by a cemetary on the edge of a swamp with Craig Ferguson,


he might turn into a Zombie on you.

17. No Zombie movie I ever saw made it very far into the first scene before I excused myself to go get my Shootsgun.

18. Basically anytime you encounter a Zombie mob
if you ain’t with the really good looking chick, you ain’t gonna make it to the end of the movie.

19. I has ordered this nifty Zombie Protection kit
From http://www.zombieprotectionstuff.com/. They seem to have lots of things a PolyBear might need to protect himself from Zombies. Thank goodness for Mumzie's PayPal account.

20. Like all good PolyBearScouts I plan on being prepared. You might want to consider your home protection needs, too. Cause as soon as tonight, some evil shadowthing in your living room might go bump.

21. There must be a #21 but I hear something coming down the hall that I needs to go investigate. Wait! the lights went off and a coldness is creeping through the darkness. Was that a bump? What's that shadow?

AaaaaaRRRRRRrrrrrrrgHHHHHHHHhhhh! 




Wednesday, February 24, 2010

Zombies


A Message From Da

Something tells me we won't get much sleep tonight. Gee thanks BroBert and Miz D. This looks like a gift that is likely to keep on giving.

I'm not sure why Peaches thinks this is funny. Doesn't she know that she and Herb won't get any sleep now, either.


Games PolyBears Play - Version three
by ZeroBear

Things are kind'a slow around here tonight so let's play a game. How about playing "stand on your head"? I'll go on and start and give you a few seconds to get ready cause I'm a good sport. Big time atheletes like me are always generous with head start offers.


I figure this is good training for my upcoming trip to the Spacey Station, since they seem to be upside down about as often as they are right side up.

Here's the simple rules. The winner is the one who can stand on their head the longest. Go find a comfortable place and assume the position. Come back when you can do it no longer and verify that I am the winner. Peaches is laughing cause I always win.

Wanna play for a dollar?

Chicken?

Squawk - Squawk? 


The Project to Send a PolyBear
to the Spacey Station moves forward.
by ZeroBear

We had some big developments today in the efforts to get a certain AstroBear PolyNaught named ZeroBear up to the Spacey Station where he can dominate lead mankind and PolyBear kind into a new fronteeeeer and all that bla bla bla.


Anyhoo, I hope to have lots of good news to share with you guys in maybe as little as another day, if all goes well and the Fire Marshal decides to not press charges about a golf course grass fire that needs to remain just between you and a certain PolyBear who mistook the actual meaning of

"He's burning up the golf course today".

Wish me luck and send your paypal account number and password to my e-mail account


You can't send quarters and dollar bills by the interwebs can you? I didn't think that was possible. What a shame. Maybe next year. Well, if you can't send money, Sign up over to the right in that "Followers" section of my Blog. How can I achieve world dominatin with so few followers?
  
I'm thinking of doing a reality show on Cable called

"PolyBear in Space"

Kind'a catchy isn't it? I'm trying to line up sponsors.
I figure the script will write itself.
The Miz Paul's Fish Sticks Folks passed up on the opportunity to get in on the ground floor today. I'm sure they will soon regret that, when I hits the big time. I was willing to wear a NASCAR type driver's suit with a big crunchy breaded fishstick on the back and everything. I just see it as their loss.

Oh - here is a shout-out to R&K. 
I know that you know that I know that you guys know who you are, even if everyone else is sort'a confuzzuled by this time.

Your soon to be publishing his Blog from space friend,
ZeroBear



Failure!
by ZeroBear

Horse doofers! It was enough to make a PolyBear use dirty words! There were all sorts of disappointing complications during last night's launch to the International Spacey Station. First of all, there was the rian and snow mix. How the razzle frazzling drat do you launch a AstroBear PolyNaught into low earth orbit in a rain and snow mix?

Then Da refused to go to sleep. It may have had something to do with the chipmunks running around the top of the chest of drawers with that box of RedLobster strike anywhere matches we found in the kitchen cabinet above the stove. You wouldn't believe the stuff you can find in cabinets, drawers and closets.

Anyhoo, it was really late when his breathing finally slowed down and those little snoring noises (Ha Ha! - ZeroBear made a Joke - little snoring noises? - yeh, like my sor'ta yellow leg! - Ha - Sometimes I break myself up!) started coming out of his big old hairy schnozolla. Just kidding Da - No - really just kidding - We all know that in the great scheme of things, your Schnoz isn't all that old - like the rocky mountains are older, arent they?

Then (double drat) I found that Mumzie had fastened the window latch behind their bed and I was unable to get it opened while wearing my AstroBear PolyNaught gloves. Anyone know why they don't put fingers in Oven Mits? It's so hard to do any work while wearing them and I simply didn't have enough time to ungarb and then regarb with the rain/snow that would be coming through the open window, falling on Mumzie and Da.

Zero minute (to launch ZeroBear) was coming fast, so we (the chipmunk ground crew and me - the head AstroBear PolyNuaght) made a command decision to just launch'er away through the closed window. 


OK, in the clear light of day, I can see the error in that choice, but what can I do now? Obviously, the next time we'll know that blasting through a closed window is a bad idea, but in the heat of pre-launch activity, that wasn't as obvious last night as it is now.

Then there was all the stuff leading up to the flameout. How was I to know it wasn't a full bottle of propane? It felt OK to me and the Chipmunks ground crew, never said anything about it. They claim they thought I knew. Anyhoow, I opened the gas valve and looking back, they should have had the match already lit before I did that. How do I say this? By the time they lit the match, the bedroom was pretty gassy and we achieved a spectacular fireball, if I do say so.


I think a little minor paint touchup and perhaps a bedspread replacement will fix the old night time aboderoom right up. Good thing I was fully wrapped in my tin foil AstroBear PolyNaught suit in case just such a thing happened. I pulled through with not any fur singe and the chipmunks seem no worse off. And regardless of what they may claim, the bedroom was fine after Da managed to beat out the flaming curtains.  


I have spent time on the interwebs already this morning and believe I have determined that it was either (1) wind shear or (2) snow blowing into the rocket nozzle or (3) terrorist activity that caused the flameout right after we blasted our way through that closed window. I am not yet eliminating the possibility that (4) we may have run out of fuel, with all that leaked out into the bedroom before the Chipmunks managed to finally strike the match. 

It all gets a little blurry, but I think RocketShip #1 was about ten feet in the air and quickly gaining both velocity and altitude when the (triple dratted) thing flammed out on me.

Here comes the tense part:

I had milliseconds to make a decision - abort or attempt to reignite the rocket engine. You already nose I ain't no dummy. I brought a match with me for just such a chance occurrence. However I forgot to bring the box with the little scratchy striking thing on the side, so I decided to abort and bailed out (off?) at maybe 15 feet altitude. I know, "What a brave little AstroBear PolyNaught!", you're thinking and it's true - I am. What can I say? I live for adventure.

And so as they say at the Kape, "Back to the drawing board. No body parts blown away = partial success. At least we know that way didn't work."

All is not lost. I has another idea... 

Monday, February 22, 2010

AstroBear PolyNaught Training
(Highly Technical Stuff)
by ZeroBear


Becoming a AstroBear Polynaught is a difficult task. But readying myself for the upcoming trip to the International Spacey Station requires this preparation. Here I ready myself for acclimation to bigtime centrifugal gravity stress at the Top Secret AstroBear training facility.

This is the giraffatron machine which will spin me round and round at mind boggling fast speeds while simultaneously blasting my polyear organs with super calliope auditory stress. My commitment to this mission is such that I am willing to submit my body to these stresses without aid of ear plugs, safety harness, ducktape or velcro. Even the giraffatron seems impressed, as he should since few Astrobear Polynaughts will take on this training paws free, with nothing more than my favorite fuzzyhat to protect my earbones. You will notice lesser skilled hoomans in the amateur section behind me having to utilize Daddy assistance to exit the Slingatron after training on a level 1 Horseytron.

I live for this adventure stuff. 
Kitty Accidents
By ZeroBear

I had no idea there was so many kitty lovers out there in the Blogosphere. This became painfully obvious to me when higher numbers of kitty lawyers than I care to think about of started calling FluffyKitty this morning offering to file suit against ZeroBear, LLC for kitty cruelty in the charcoal lighter fluid accident mentioned on this interwebs site yesterday. That's all Mumzie and Da need - another lawsuit relating to something ZeroBear did with lighter fluid and a carelessly struck match.


If it makes anyone feel better, I served 27 hours of community service cleaning Kat Kages at the local ASPCK shelter and wrote a 1500 word essay on safety considerations in the outdoor use of Charcoal Lighter Fluid.


The Judge (Old Hang'em High Easterling - bless his heart) made me rewrite my essay twice to correct misspellings and edit out what he thought were off color "Kitty walks into a bar and encounters a poodle with a mouse on a leash" jokes.

Anyhoo, I promise Fluffy Kitty is just fine, and back to barfing up hairballs on the sofa whenever he thinks Mumzie and Da aren't looking.



He does seem a little shy around canned liquids these days. Shoot, I have a new appreciation of the flammability of charcoal lighter fluid myself.


Smokey Bear's Best Buddy, ZeroBear


Sunday, February 21, 2010

Experimentations in PolyBeared Spaceflight 
by ZeroBear

I have been keeping track of the Spacey Station stuff on the interwebs lately through to this nifty website.


However, I have uncovered a disturbing fact that I feels obligated to share with my many fans in the intergalactic BlogDome.There is no PolyBears on the spaceystation! How can you have an International Spacey Station if PolyBears aren't represented?




Anyhoo, After thuroghly reserching the interwebs, I have designed and constructed Rocketship #1 of the PolyBear space program. Did you know that you can make your own rocket ship using commonly pilfered rockets parts from Da's workshop?





Shown above - AstroBear PolyNaught ZeroBear on Prototype #1 of Spacey Shuttle Rocket Launch Vehicle.

Regarding Launch Schedule

I asked (nicely) and Da refuses to take me to Kape Kanavereal, so I plan on firing this baby into orbit through the bedroom window next Tuesday night after the moon comes up, so's I can see how to steer - maybe around two in the morning, in order to give Da time to get good and asleep. This is because I likes me some nighttime launches.

The chipmunks have volunteered to light her off for me. All we needs are some matches. This may be a problem because Mumzie keeps them really well hidden since that unfortunate charcoal lighter accident the cat had. All I have to say about it is that it was an accident. Yes, there should have been warning signs posted, but the cat should have stayed back a reasonable distance from the experiment, what with unavoidable spray and all.

And then there was that night about two months back, when I showed up in the checkout line at the North Hills Branch of the Piggley Wiggley with a shopping cart full of Miz Paul's Fish Sticks and no money's to pay for them. IMO they were unreasonable in their attitide toward my shopping habits. They absolutely knew that Mumzie drops by for diet Dr. Peppers and chocolate ice cream every week or so and that she 'd be happy to pay the tab for anything I might charge.

Anyhoo, after I strongly challenged their wisdom of refusing well intentioned grocery charges, they decided to call the Sherrif. Now for reasons that make no sense to me, they won't let me back into "The Pig" and I'm confused about how to get my paws on some matches. Anyone with ideas can e-mail me.


Safety First

One final thought. When getting ready to launch the first AstroPolyBear to the International Spacey Station, be sure the chipmunks aren't standing in front of the rockets machine just before blast-off.

"Now Hear This! All ground crew members should clear the heck away from the front of the rocket. NOW!"

"That is all."

Friday, February 19, 2010


Caution Pretty Scarey Stuff Here
by ZeroBear


So as not to scare the beegeezes out of my many fans I decided not to tell you guys the really bad fix I managed to get myself into earlier this week. Yep, you guessed it. I shot my eye out.

Mumzie and Da to the rescue though. Mumzie got on the Interwebs and quickly located the very bestest place to get eyeball help for a little PolyBear.




Before long, she had located the National PolyBear Eye Institute in SanDiego, California. A phone call or two later and we were headed west! I got a set of wings from Delta! Now I need to find a used 747. Do they e-bay those?


Mumzie called the doctors there and when we got to Surf City, she met with a really nice Plastic Surgeon Dr. Chas Zimboni and together they selected a beautiful eyeball replacement for me (second from left). It is genuine plastic. Remarkably just like my old shot out eyeball. Plastic eyeball? I guess that's why they had to find a Plastic Surgeon to put it in me. Hoo'da thunk that?


The hospital carries a great donor bank of PolyBear fur to fix up my face. I asked if they could do my yellow leg while they were at it, but Chas, or DocZ as I call him, assured me "I was so yellow leggish" it would be a shame to alter that part of the old BearBod. Anyhow, we eventually decided not to mess wth yellow leg perfection.


Photo from later on that same day, taken in PolyBear surgery room #1. I think that big machine is the hot melt gun that glued everything back in place. I don't remember any of it cause they zonked me out with zonk out stuff.


My team in PBICU. From the left, That's Jenny love on the end, Miss Nancy in back, Sweet Georga in Blue, WooWoo Wanda in white, Dr. Chas in back (he's such a hoot), Sleepy Doug, my gas passer, Albert from the eye bank, Andy Allenwrench from Maintenance who had to provide an emergency socket set during surgery, Sonje Hapalanzerad, the second shift nursing Supervisor and Curried Rice chef, and last but not least appreciated Happy Jan, the chief PolyBear tickler.

Thanks guys. Couldn't have done it without you!

Oh, that's me on the PBICU bed in the nifty black eye patch.

Da and Mumzie couldn't be in the group shot. They were down in accounting taking out a second mortgage on the farm to pay for use of that hot melt machine. 

Thursday, February 18, 2010

Don't Get All Jealous On Me
But I want to talk about my stuff.
By ZeroBear


A fellow needs to stop every once and a while and think about how lucky he is. Since I only  have one eye for a while and can't get around very well, I have lots of time to think about all my stuff. First of all there are the Chipmunks. They are pretty good friends and stick by me most all the time. Other than the fact they have taken to calling me old PatchEye I have no complaints about them. I wish Peaches would shut her dang mouth sometimes, but what can you say? SOmetimes you just have to take a friend they way they are. At least that's what I tell Miz Scarlet and Miz Pearlie.

Then there is my flashlight collection. I have Big Red. He is my most heavy duty rainy stormy night and the lights went out helper. Then there is my trusty little 28 caliber booger blaster. And finally my middle sized 2 bat-tree twist and shoot light that is my old go to when I need to throw a light at something moving in the dark. Da says it will really put a knot on the side of your head. The way he says it is a little more colorful than that, but maybe my less colorful version will still give you an idea how effective it is when a guy needs to protect the bedroom in the dark by "throwing some light".


I keeps my very bestest stuff is in my fishbox. Don't hate me, but let me show you all the nifty stuff I have inside.


My #1 best things are safely stored here. First of all I have cartridges. There are five of them there. I had more, but had to fire at a booger the other night and blasted away at him four times before the screams stopped me. Da says thank goodness my aim was a little off. I keep telling him to say something before he strikes out from the bed toward the toilet, but he always forgets.  I guess he'l fix the holes in the wall this weekend. I figure these things happen even to the best of us. I gotta figure out what he did with the shooting piece that goes with my cartridges cause he managed to hide it somewheres while I was in time out. Regardless of what happened to my eye I need that pistolee.

Next of importance is my compass. It's nice because somehow it always knows where north is and a guy always needs to know where north is, because PolyBears need to keep up with that kind of stuff. If I can ever figure out how it works then I'll always know too.That's for sure. Da tried to explain how it works, but it all sounds like foo-ee to me.

Then you'll see, I has a really nice roll of dental floss. That McGuyver guy on TV once built a catipult with two rubber bands (see them in there?) and a much smaller roll of dental floss than I have! With a catipult I could pult me some cats if came across any and that would be great fun. 

Yes, that is a genuine Fender guitar pick you see. The guitar is in the living room. Mumzie thinks I don't know where she hid it because I likes to play late at night, when the moon is bright and the time is right, the feeling gets tight and I plays allright like dynomite. I'll show it to you some other day. Go do an interwebs search for "PolyBear blues" on YouTube if you want to hear me pick out some sweet sad notes. 

Some guys gots it all don't we?

Tuesday, February 16, 2010

Uh...
By ZeroBear

 

What can I say? Mumzie said I'd shoot my eye out. All I remember is I had the pig in my sights. He zigged left I zagged right, the bullet zinged off the frigerator door and then all went black.

The one good thing I can say about all of this is she was wrong when she said I'd shoot it out because they tell me it's still in there, somewhere, for the most part.

It was an assident and I doesn't feel like
talking about it today. Da says fixing the frigerator is gonna take some doing.

Anyone got a Tylenol?

A very embarrised PolyBear.

Monday, February 15, 2010

The Mighty Hunter. Protector of the Homefront
By ZeroBear


Through the forest, he stalks the fierce ten point buck. "Gotcha"


He knows the call of the goose.
He knows the "Honk, Honk" that will lure them in. "Bango"


As they fly down, he is ready. Klaboom"


Even the fierce wild pink pig knows the futility of resisting this hunter. "You're mine now, Piggie. Freeze!"


However, ever vigilant to the threat of the intruder, he is always mindful of his obligation to the family and so he remains always ready to shout out the words Invader boogers fear to hear - "Stick 'em up, loser", or "Make my day, Sucker".

Yes Pilgrim, ZeroBear is ever ready to face any nasty stick figure booger zombies who might choose to enter the house and bring doom on Mumzie or Da. Or any other shadow, bump or thump in the darkness for that matter.



As he brings another awful heartless stick figure zombie booger beast to justice, ZeroBear tips his hat, meets Mumzie's eyes straight on and says the words that bring peace and comfort to the civilian's heart, "Just do'in my job, Ma'm."

                                        

"So, Hoo's gonna shoot hoo's eyes out, Mumzie? Maybe the stick figure zombie booger's eyes. That's hoo's eyes will get shot out!" 

ZeroBear PolyBear - Home Protector - Shooter of ShootsGun!