Disturbing Facts About Zombies
By ZeroBear
Thanks to the book “The Zombie Survival Guide", that BroBert and Miz-D gave us, and a few highly informative interwebs sites, I am quickly becoming a worldwide leading famous know-it-all authority on Zombies. Literally threes and twos of peoples are coming to me each year seeking help from these boogers.
In an effort to serve the readers of ZeroBear Blog, (and hopefully win that million dollar Nobel Peace Prize) I'll share some facts you really need to know:
1. Zombies is Living Dead, Mindless Peoples. If this is true, except for the living dead part, many of my best buds are Zombies.
2. As near as I can tell, Zombies has been Voodooed! I'm not sure what that means, but I don't like it one bit!
3. There is no doubt that Zombies are active at night, when it’s already dark and scarey.
4. Zombies lives in Graveyards,
which are really spookey places
5. If you gots a Zombie, you gots problems. If you gots lots of Zombies, you gots lots of problems.
6. I called Orkin and they don't do Zombies, so don't waste your time with them.
7. There is an obscure German book: Das Gespensterbuch by Marina Warner. I have no idea what it says, other than that's some scarey German word for sure.
8. When the alarm clock goes off in the early morning and Da gets up and stumbles through the dark toward the coffee pot, he looks just like a Zombie (Ha! - Man I break myself up sometimes - Just kidding, Da actually you'se a lot scarier than a Zombie - oops - Just Kidding - Really).
9. Wikipedia says there are modern Zombies and if you can’t trust wikipedia, who can you trust? In my opinion I have never read anything on the interwebs that wasn’t 100% fact.
10. If you encounter Zombies,
Haints ain’t far behind.
11. As near as I can tell, Zombies travel in groups big enough that you are always outnumbered.
12. The minute you think you have survived, and everyone is safe they reach out and grab you!
13. “Night of the Living Dead”
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BBc18J5cUcs will scare the Beegeebees out of a PolyBear. I’d recommend not sneaking into the den late at night to watch it, even though Ted Turner and the local Fox affiliate both give it three and a half raspberries on a scale of four. Don't you just hate the seeds in Raspberries? I does like me a Raspberry Zinger every so often, though, especially with a diet Dr. Pepper and a bag of Fritos.
14. From my extensive investigations into this field, I have found the first Zombies were mentioned about ten thousand years back “On early clay cuneiforms recovered from Mesopotamian excavations and also in hieroglyphic pictograms discovered on the walls of the funeral crypts of dusty old dead Egyptian dudes”. That makes these scary guys almost as ancient as Da’s nose-hairs and I don’t even like to mention that kind of stuff what with kids and faint of heart womens reading this blog from time to time.
15. Bela Lugosi
may have been a Zombie. I know he was one scary dude.
16. I am suspicious that if you were walking down a dark foggy road passing by a cemetary on the edge of a swamp with Craig Ferguson,
he might turn into a Zombie on you.
17. No Zombie movie I ever saw made it very far into the first scene before I excused myself to go get my Shootsgun.
18. Basically anytime you encounter a Zombie mob
if you ain’t with the really good looking chick, you ain’t gonna make it to the end of the movie.
19. I has ordered this nifty Zombie Protection kit
20. Like all good PolyBearScouts I plan on being prepared. You might want to consider your home protection needs, too. Cause as soon as tonight, some evil shadowthing in your living room might go bump.
21. There must be a #21 but I hear something coming down the hall that I needs to go investigate. Wait! the lights went off and a coldness is creeping through the darkness. Was that a bump? What's that shadow?
AaaaaaRRRRRRrrrrrrrgHHHHHHHHhhhh!
