Wednesday, October 19, 2011
How could I have missed this conspiricy?
Within an hour of posting my exclusive killer tomato news story last night, a friend of the blog from (get this!) Germany e-mailed me to ask if I was aware of the rash of
Killer Cucumbers taking over Europe!
I wondered and wondered how this terror that struck Europe had slipped by my ever questioning mind before realizing that for most of last summer I was an unwilling guest in a Federal house of incarceration (inmate #41366987), due to some trumped up charges concerning the alleged unlawful intent to bring 87 pounds of uninspected Gefeldefish into New Orleans from Denmark.
How was I to know they would have gefeldefish sniffing dogs at the airport who would insist they go through my backpack? I has no idea where all those tins of pickled fishes came from.
Da and a sweet lady lawyer from Fink, Fank and Farnsworth managed to get me out of the big house with little more than an interesting prison Tat that my cellmate Charles Shankmaster Ruffner did for only a half carton of ciggies and three hours unsupervised use of my cellphone and Mumzie's Visa Card.
Let's get back to my investigation into this latest vegetable horror that is plaguing Europe.
Anyhoo, after an intense day of watching a Penguins of the Arctic marathon on the National Geographic channel. I has gained the depth of knowledge required to provide a thoughtful and insightful look at the conspiracy of fruits and vegetables attacking innocents around the globe.
First of all, you guys needs to know that these tubular veggies is evidently jumping onto the faces ol sweet old folks out innocently lounging in the sun and quickly sucking out their eyeballs
They is doing the same to young womens in their prime
As near as we can determine, even this lady suffered a horrible, terrible disfigurement
That left her eyeless, with pale, pasty skin and poor fashion sense.
And these terrorists from the garden is running loose all over Mumzie's kitchen!
And I suspect that they is even jumping out of salad bowls to quickly suck your eyeballs out. Personally I would recommend avoiding the salad bar at TGI Fridays and The International House of Cucumbers (IHOC)
Smart folks is fencing them in until they is able to arm themselves for their protection.
I recommends sharp instruments of protection
How could something so tasty be so evil?
I is now looking into Rutabaga Terrorism, which I has always considered to be an ever present threat to life as we knows it. Did you know they is sometimes referred to as Wax Turnips.
Yes they is!
Just the strain of living under the rutabaga threat has pushed some folks over the edge.
More later News freaks!