Saturday, October 8, 2011

This may be my last post

I is so sorry, but this may be my last post. I know, as I types this into my trusty war surplus military puter keypad, running at a screaming 640 kilobytes per second 

(hunt ... peck ... hunt ... peck .. dang misspelled word ... hunt ... peck ..stoopid finger mistake ... backspace ... corrected ... hunt ...peck ... how did that get typed there ... backspace ... correct) there is many of youse guys out there who are sobbing uncontrollably at your puter screen,

"What will I doos at 3:00 am when I has slurped too many cups of Java and can't sleep?

What hast brought on this calamity into my life?"

Well Fortune has smiled on me and as a result, you will likely come out listed on the loser's list of chumps and chumpettes who placed their daily enlightenment trust in a stuffed bear (LOL) with a computer.

Here is my good news:
Three days ago was my lucky day because I got an e-mail -

Yes I has my own interwebs e-mail account.

I promise that at least some of your e-mails received will be responded to within a week or so, but I doesn't like threats and takes them personally, especially the ones that question the honorability of my Bathmat Mama (sigh) or Sleeping Bag Daddy, so if you got's anything offensive to say, it may cost you.

Yes, it's you I am threatening - I nose who you is. I has several 14 year old friends who can trace your e-mails regardless of how well encrypted they is, or how many dummy ISPs you send them through - I'm talking about geek friends who hack and tap into ultra secure places like the FBI, CIA, NSF and Home-Depot-Online every night.

Anyhoo, back to important stuff - Yes I has my own e-mail account and the e-mail I got was from this nice banker's widow-wife in Lagos, Nigeria. She loved her banker hubby lots, but he went and died on her - sort of like here today gone tomorrow - no warning at all. I think he had undiagnosed hardening of the stovepipes that vent off the toxics from his battry powerpack and it shorted out his operating system gave him a virus and he blue screened on her. (that was technical jargon that you may not understand). When she went through his desk to sort out all of his papers, she discovered that he had shaved off a penny from every bank transaction ever made by a communist government or dictatorship, or known drug dealer or murderer or jaywalker through his bank (I'm thinking just like her that all of them cheaters and bad guys all deserved whatever happened to them). He had no idea his bank was doing business with so many bad guys. Over a ten year period, he accumulated $162,168,413,659.37 in his bank account, that she needs to get out of the country, because she doesn't trust the corrupt government or them sorry bankers where her husband was a poorly paid clerk and computer operator for all them years. That's approximately (96 times 100 to the exponent of the national income of liberia divided by e=mc to the 2nd power)= a bunch of pennies.

The outcome of all of this exciting stuff is that after searching for months to find a known trustworthy person of sound repute and respectability she found my name on and sent me a proposal. If I would be willing to send her my Visa card number and PIN number, she would have the money transferred to my account, and then she would leave Nigeria and come to my house and only ask for 1/3 of the money, because she doesn't need all them bucks, since she has been given only six months to live and it will take her five months and 29 and a half days to make it to my house. She has no children, so she assures me if she doesn't make it to where I live and establish contact before the six months pass, I can have it all. I'm thinking I may be out of town that weekend. We'll see how that goes.
There is only one condition listed in her offer. It is as follows:

1 - I must have a $50,000.00 credit line on the Visa Card - the Nigerian Bank system requires this for large money transfers. She assures me this is normal and I am not to be concerned.

2 - She must make one small (insignificant) electronic transfer to verify the card validity - the Nigerians require that too, because they hate cheats. 

3 - I must agree to spend the money on "worthwhile humanitarian" expenditures (does anyone knows what a humanitarian would consider worthwhile).

I has identified several humanitarian expenditures I plan on undertaking

Last night, I sent her Mumzie's Visa card number and PIN. My machine indicates she retrieved it right away. I figure I is only days away from the big time.

I will probably take Mumzie with me, because there is no better cooker of fish sticks, tartar sauce and smashed taters than Mumzie. I may take Da with us. I'm not sure yet. He is pretty good operating the weedeater when you can get him out of his Barcolounger, but there seems to be little on the island I found listed on last night that will need weedeating. Alas, I see no roads on the photos or plat listing, so I won't be needing a chauffeur. Maybe I will interview him for a job as my fish scalier and fish stick cutter. Mumzie shouldn't be expected to do all the work. I plans on starting my own country, assuming the job of eternal potentate, grand puba and Minister of tatertots and Hot Dogs. I guess I could buy a Sonic franchise and hire Da to run it. I wonder if he can rollerskate.

No skate no job

Your soon to be living in some offshore place where bankers ask no questions friend,
ZeroBear SoonToBe RichPolyBear, esq.

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