Tuesday, March 2, 2010

Hooston, We Have A Problem
from a very unhappy PolyBear

Last night was not a good night up here on the Spacey Station. I don't know that it will happen, but (if) before my story gets released to the papers I need to at least tell my side. At the moment I have been placed in Time Out and have no real idea when I will be released from confinment. At least there is a puter here so that I can go online to the interwebs and get out my side of what happened.

As you guys know, I have been concerned with Spacey Station security since coming on board. This was no secret to Commander Jim, as was my insistance that not having fish sticks or Pronto Pups on the menu was unkind to PolyBears, who (everyone knows) must have their fish sticks and Pronto Pups to remain happy and cooperative.

Anyhow, it is common knowledge that there are things in outerspace, like Boogers,

Mad Robots,

Creepy Crawlers

 and Blond Amazon Space Women from the Barbarella Galaxie
 just to mention a few, who will get you if you do not remain ever vigilant. I'm not trying to scare anyone, but look at this! 
There is some really scarey stuff out there Don'cha know! Anyhow, I politely asked to be assigned a ray gun as soon as I came on board and Commander Jim gave me some kind of bogus story about not having any ray guns in the Spacey Station or something like that. Any doofus knows that Starwars was crammed full of ray guns. Battle Star Galactica was overflowing with ray guns. Star Trek had more ray guns than you could throw a tribble at. Even Old Flash Gordon had Ray guns. Those guys were all in space, We are in space, There MUST be ray guns.

Why the heck would anyone want to go into space where there are millions of guys like this?
Without a ray gun?


Anyhow, last night I was doing a little late night plunder and pillage stuff while everyone was snoozing away and suddenly some booger thump went off at the far end of the Spacey Station and I realized that a booger had snucked up behind me and TOOK MY HAT!

Now, I ask you? At that point what's a PolyBear to do? I ran as fast as my little polystuffed legs would take me (which by the way is hard to do in zero gravity) and hit the Spacey Station PANIC BUTTON.
By the way, Thank you NASA or Canada or Russia or whoever made it because it works really good. Lights was flashing. Alarms was blasting away. Space boogers was running as fast as they could for their hidey holes. And Spacey Station guys was scrambling to get their spacey suits on over their jammies.

Then Commander Jim hit the override button and silenced the alarm. I quickly explained to him that we needed to hand out the ray guns pronto fast as I had plainly hurd a "Thunk" from a dark room down the hallway and MY HAT WAS GONE!

I'm so embarrised
Earlier, I had gone to the toilet to (ah) do what Bears do in the (ahhhh) Toilet, and evidently my hat came off and floated down to the floor, where it stuck on a DANG PIECE OF VELCRO! Why would I have looked down there when I left? Would you? I thought not...
I still says that boogers are on board with us and the only thing that will keep us safe is the immediate issuance of ray guns to all Spacey Station workers. But will they listen to me? Nooooooooooooooo!
Obviously Commander Jim disagrees and the result is that I am in extended Time Out. Every time he passes the little room they put me into I shout out a hearty "Yo! Commander Jim! Whazappnin, bro?" He acts just like I said nothing at all.
He seems to be a really highstrung guy to put in a commander position. I'm not questioning NASA's wisdom in choosing him over a more sensible PolyBear who recently came on board or anything, but I do know that if a certain PolyBear were in charge, we'd all be carrying Model 12 Farnzeworth Blastaway Rayguns.
I know - Ain't it cool? I found it on the interwebs. They aren't on e-bay yet - evidently you must special order them. Anyhoo, if I had me one of them babies no space booger would thump or bump in the far end of the Space Station, cause if he did, I'd knock him into tomorrow, even if it did take out an external wall or something. IMO, you can't cut a thunk in the darkness any slack or it will reach out from the darkness and grab you.

Does anyone know their Congressman or Senator well enough to get some higher up assistance to help a little PolyBear out of a tight jam? This may take some doing. Commander JIm is talking about letting me out when pigs fly and there aint none of those weaseley little pink guys up here. I checked for them right away whe I got here cause you can't trust a pig, especially the pink ones.


No comments:

Post a Comment