Uh...

By ZeroBear

 

What can I say? Mumzie said I'd shoot my eye out. All I remember is I had the pig in my sights. He zigged left I zagged right, the bullet zinged off the frigerator door and then all went black.

The one good thing I can say about all of this is she was wrong when she said I'd shoot it out because they tell me it's still in there, somewhere, for the most part.

It was an assident and I doesn't feel like
talking about it today. Da says fixing the frigerator is gonna take some doing.

Anyone got a Tylenol?

A very embarrised PolyBear.

The Mighty Hunter. Protector of the Homefront

By ZeroBear

Through the forest, he stalks the fierce ten point buck. "Gotcha"

He knows the call of the goose.

He knows the "Honk, Honk" that will lure them in. "Bango"

As they fly down, he is ready. Klaboom"

Even the fierce wild pink pig knows the futility of resisting this hunter. "You're mine now, Piggie. Freeze!"

However, ever vigilant to the threat of the intruder, he is always mindful of his obligation to the family and so he remains always ready to shout out the words Invader boogers fear to hear - "Stick 'em up, loser", or "Make my day, Sucker".

Yes Pilgrim, ZeroBear is ever ready to face any nasty stick figure booger zombies who might choose to enter the house and bring doom on Mumzie or Da. Or any other shadow, bump or thump in the darkness for that matter.

As he brings another awful heartless stick figure zombie booger beast to justice, ZeroBear tips his hat, meets Mumzie's eyes straight on and says the words that bring peace and comfort to the civilian's heart, "Just do'in my job, Ma'm."

                                        

"So, Hoo's gonna shoot hoo's eyes out, Mumzie? Maybe the stick figure zombie booger's eyes. That's hoo's eyes will get shot out!" 

ZeroBear PolyBear - Home Protector - Shooter of ShootsGun!

The Bestest Day of a PolyBear's Life:

By ZeroBear

(Thanks to Da for the photographic record.)

This nifty black shippping crate (photo below) came to me by delivery truck. I can't imagine what it is, except that it came from "Tallman" BroBert and his sweetie (don'cha just love her), MizDarlinD and I have never gotten anything that wasn't souper-swell from them guys. So many wrappie ropes? Must be really nice?

Whew! (see photo below) Ropes is gone (thanks to Da's sharp-knife). Shipper labels is tooken (taken?) off. Taken? Tooken? Still sounds right. Anyhoo, ropes is tooken off. Now I just needs to get the nails out of the lid.

"Oh Mumzie? DOes you has a crowbar a little PolyBear could use?"  

"Oh my!"

(next photo)

A genuine B&D, Match Grade, Model 12, matte black electroplated, multi forged, high temp oven hardened, oil quenched, custom cold bored, Pittsburg steel, unsighted, double barreled, vent ribbed, select grade, tight grained, old growth, walnuts stocked, with low gloss hand rubbed finish, fully not-engraved, 3 genuine steel nuts and bolts master mechanic bench top assembled, shoulder padded, single action, unsafetyed, Ninja black, low pull weight hair triggered, "gunslinger option" with removed finger guard, unchoked, high velocity, magnum chambered, Tapered high hardness firing pin equipped, Center and/or rim fire capable, right paw configured, center balanced, Custom red fuzzy stuff padded lining cased, "Pig Blaster Commerative", with the (rare) sitting pink POrky Pig logo, Limited Editon, NRA approved, signed and numbered, special order, PolyBear sized, Scattershot SHoots GUn!

The interwebs said these were no longer available (actually says they were never available) . WHere did you guys find this BeauTiFuL piece of destructive art? I have been on e-bay every night for the past four years looking for one of these babies and now there is one at my feet.

I is speechless!

Stay back Chipmunks, this is some serious firepower we gots here.

BroBert and MizDarlinD! How did you know the way to a PolyBear's heart?

!!!! Inturders beware !!!!

Uh, did anyone see a box of cartridges? There's gotta be some shells here somewheres....

"Oh Mumzie, could a little PolyBear use the interwebs to shop the cartridges section of e-bay for a minute? I would just browse and not buy anything. I promise, so help me Hanna MOntana."

(Silly-girl Mumzie says I'll shoot my eye out.)

The Chipmunks:

by ZeroBear

Me and the Chipmunks been tight for years now. The big one is Peaches and her little friend is Herb. Mumzie and Da caught them in Africa and snuck them back in for me. They are always good about bringing me back stuff cause I don't travel well.

For some reason, having a little PolyBear running up and down the isle of the 767 screaming "We're All GONNA DIE!" seems to upset the stewardesses. I don't know why yelling folks the Truth upsets peoples, but I have found after years of studying Hooman Nature that it definately does.

Why would I want to trust someone else to fly me around Africe anyway? First movie I ever saw was the Tarzan epic flic where Tarz's Mumzie and Da were killed in a plane crash when a bunch of birds flew up in front of the plane. That scene taught me to never turst the pilot (Because those two guys surely saw the script) and to never trust a darn bird, especially when you have soemone named Tarz with you.

Anyhow back to chipmunks. Peaches and Herb are a hoot. They are fully house trained and know when to keep their mouths closed, which for Peaches is never. I have a cage for them somewhere but find that it causes very few problems when I just allow them to run wild. They live up to this trust very well and almost never leave the top of the chest, except to go potty. I think they may go to the bathroom for that. Hope they flush because I get blaimed for enouh things around here without having Mumzie blaim me for not flushing. 

If you ever have a chance to buy wetback African Chipmunks. I recommend picking up a couple of the litttle gray silent ones. At our house they double as groundhogs, too. Predicted the white death this last week with 100% accuracy. Smart dudes.

I have no earthly idea what they eat. I think Mumzie feeds them. Maybe Cheerios or Purena Chipmunk Chow. I do know one thing. Peoples say that lots of Chipmunts are wimps and that is not true. Those two little guys are built like rocks.

Zero's Horrible Friday the 13th on a Saturday Day:

by ZeroBear

I just knew something bad was going to happen today. IT always does when Friday the 13th falls on a Saturday.

Anyhoo, I was hiding in the closet in teh front hallway, thinking that I would manage to stay away from teh evilness that always happens when Friday the 13th falls on a Saturday. Then, a little after noon, the door opened, Mumzie grabbed me and started toward the (gasp) laundry room!

She had that look in her eye and the words that strike fear into a little polybear's heart came out of her mouth. "You need a bath and you're going to get one this afternoon."

It was time to put my foot down, and dag-nab-it, I did. "NooooooOOoooooooooOOOOOOOO! I don't need or want a bath and you can't make me take one!"

Moments later the sweater was being pulled off my poor little polybear body.

and I was tossed onto a pile of blankets and bedspreads. What could a little poly bear do? It was Friday the 13th on Saturday. All sorts of bad things were likely to happen, on such an evil day, especially to a poor little polybear.

"Ugh! Laundry Soap up my nose. Stay out of teh eyes! Oh no! I'ze gettin all wet! Halp!"

"Hold breath. Don't breath. Gag, sputter, urp. Someone's going to pay for this. I will get even with you guys. You'll be sorry when I drowns!"

"Oh no! I'ze getting swimmy headed dizzy. Stop this spinning thing! Somebody! Stop! I'ze gonna urp!"

"Huh? Is it over? Did I survive? Where's my sweater?"

"No - wait! Take me out, too. Please don't be leaving me in here. I'll be a good PolyBear. I won't run around the house turning lights on in the middle of the night. I won't leave cabinet doors open. I'll stop turning teh Toilet Paper roll around. I'll stay off e-bay. I'll do anything! Please don't leave me in here!"

"Jeepers, I forgot about the dryer. Hea, I don't mind being damp. I'ze not really wet at all. Honestly, this little bit of dampness will go away sooner or later. Really - I'm fine!"

"Dry at last. I bet the dust mites are gone, too. I see the wash didn't cure this darn yellow leg. Could a polybear maybe get his sweater back?"

"Ya know, I smells pretty good. Wanna take a whiff?"

"Uh, Anybody see my sweater?"

"No thanks. I can put it on all by myself."

"Hope this thing didn't shrink, cause it doesn't feel like I did."

"No. Really. I'm doing fine. Just give me a minute. Uh, could you push me back up on the top of the dryer a little more?"

"There's the nose. Just a little bit more. Just a sec."

"RazZle. FraZZling POx!

Uh, could a polybear get a little help? Somebody's falling off the dryer here!"

"Whew. Good to go."

"What's that? Oh No! Is that what I think it is?" 

"Hmm? Smells familiar."

"So, anybody know what's on TV tonight? Could we order Shrimp and Sausage Pizza? Deep Dish would be nice. I'd drink a diet Dr. Pepper, too if there was another one in teh fridge. Anybody see my hat anywheres?"

Oh NooooOOOOooo!:

by ZeroBear

What's got into you, Mumzie and Da? Why didn't either one of you tell me? Why must I find out these things for myself? Would you guys have let me just stumble into tomorrow not knowing that Friday the 13th comes on a Saturday this month?

To all my interwebs fans:

 I needs to let you know that I'm so sorry, but until Friday the 13th coming on Saturday passes, this little PolyBear is hiding in a closeted location that will remain undiscloseted.

Good thing I happened to see a calendar before midnight. If you read this, you got 35 minutes to find a hidey place. After midnight, you're on your own Bubba.

Sorry, but I'll see you folks when the evilosity of this dreaded co-occurrance has passed by a certain little PolyBear.

Good luck to all of you.  

It Snowed - I feel Absolutely Artic:

by ZeroBear

My front yard all dressed up in white

Other side of front yard. Dat's Bert and Virgie's house across the road. Snowed over there, too.

Back yard with Diamond Jim's brush pile.

More back yard with Dove birds at feeder. No deer in sight. They must be camped out beside a fire somewheres eating smores and staying warm.

More back yard. That's ZeroBear's personal cedar yard swing back there across the top of the patio table. Looks too cold to use it today.

My Yellow Finch buddies chowing down on thistle seeds and sunflower chips. I likes me some fish sticks and lard balls when the weather gets like this.

Outside is nice, but...

By Zerobear

This is warmer

Reporting from ZeroBear Central:

By ZeroBear

Mumzie is snookered down somewhere else in teh house. I hopes she's making us some seafood chowder cause I likes me some chowder when its cold outside. Also hope we don't run out of crackers cause I likes me some crackers with my chowder. A big old cup of hot chocolate would be nice, too.  Da's at work down at the salt mines - I can't imagine why - so I thought I'd update you peoples on the situation here as White Death strikes fear into all non PolyBear peoples at our house.


All will continue with ZeroBear Blog with little or no interruption, unless my typing nose gets tired. I guess i never did a posting on how hard it is tp typs without fingers. Yes, I'm finger challenged, but I has a very smartg nose, even when it bumps the wrong key. Sometimes Mumzie and Da gets a littel furstrated when the puter typerboard gets snotty, but other than that we work everythng out ok. That's what they make windex for, isn't it?


See the thing is they needs me to pull teh fanmily through these horrible white death days, which are no big deal if you'se a PolyBear.


To bring you up to date, it's been a tough day sofar here at ZeroBear Blog central. Right away this morning, Da stole my hat and my going outside scarf that Mumzie knitted me for Da's Birthday last year. Without those, I guess I'm stuck inside, but it's no big deal because the snowmobile I ordered from http://www.Snowmobiles.com didn't come in (Pox on their shipping department). I guess it could be that Mumzie's PayPal account is maxed out. My ordering those 856 cases of canned squid from Australia may have pushed it over teh limit. 


I has outside white death photos for you folks that I'll post later. Oprah is coming on in a few and Judge Judy after that, So I got's things to do.


Did you know it's National Arbor Day today? Hoo was the brain that decided to plant trees during WHite Death?

Uh, someone faxed me that it's not Natonal Arbor Day until April 30. Sorry, My bad. Carry on.


See you guys later.


ZeroBear PolyBear

Waiting for The Snow:

by ZeroBear

Sweet Suzie, the Channel 6 Weather Girl says we're gonna get snow sometime after midnight tonight. I can't wait. Mumzie and Da have gone to bed, but not me. I plan on staying up all night if needs be. In a few minutes, I'll sneak into the den and watch Letterman and then Craig Ferguson (hope he has the monkey on tonight. The monkey just kills me). I'll make my nest in the den cause Mumzie and Da gets all yelling angry when I turns the bedroom set on while they is sleeping.

As soon as we gets enough white stuff on the ground, it's outside for a frolic in teh Snow!


So sleepy though, but it can't be much longer before we gets us a dose of winterwonderland and then it's outside for me.


So sleepy...


Winter wonderland...


So sleepy...

gonna stay up till...

Sleep...

just...


ZZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

Beautiful People on The Interwebs:

by ZeroBear

This is Shiela. She is a really nice lady from Ventura, California. I met her in a chat room one evening last week. I think she is a lovely person with a beautiful aura. As I understand she works in the entertainment industry. She likes sunset walks on the beach, tournament bassfishing, train rides, fast cars, Chili-cheese-dogs, tatertots, Tupelo-two-step line dancing, Waffle Houses and snuggle movies. Obviously she is fond of pink, shiney things and evidently also quite smitten with former NFL 3 time Pro-Bowl Tight End, CIA Secret Agent, Multimillionare PolyBear NASCAR drivers (sic). 


We may meet in Vegas next month at the Pink People chat room convention - if I can get a plane ticket charged on Mumzie's Pay-Pal acount. I understand Southwest Airlines has a "What Happpens in Vegas Stays in Vegas" special that runs all through March, so I'm feeling good about this.

Does anyone know a good (cheap) Limo Driver in Vegas? I also need to go on-line and learn how to play No Limit Texas Holdem Poker, which it seems someone posted on teh INterwebs that I am quite good at. If you come by http://www.polybearpoker.net/ ask for my table.

Please tell me that this photo looks a lot like me (Link), because for some reason, this is the photo of me that got sent to Shiela. Sometimes the Interwebs moves awfully fast for a little PolyBear.


Hubba Hubba

Polar Bear Buddies Protecting Us

from Big Black Swimming Things
by ZeroBear

The photo of this USO (Unidentified Swimming Thing) was e-mailed to me by a bunch of my Polar Bear Buddies from way up North. Seems that they were out on snack patrol and this big black fishy thing popped up out of the ice. Their first thought was, "Must be somethng good to eat," and so they went over to have a bite. Much to their surprise, not only was it too big to eat, it was also too hard to eat - with skin as tough as steel. Not much fishy flavor for a fish, either.

Anyhoo, turns out the Guvernment says it was a good old US Navy boat, something they called a submirine. Must have been lost because it wasn't close to a seaport at all, unless you call the north pole a port, which it isn't. Anyhoo, after a while, it left (must have been taking on water, becasue apparantly it sank) and after that the big old hole in the ice it made when it popped up froze back closed and they (the polar bears) went back to looking for fruits and vegetables, fish and lard balls, which (link) is evidently what Polar Bears like to eat.

I bet those navy guys thought they had done something special swimming under water all that way north to where they came up. Wonder how special they felt when there was a pack of Polar Bears got there first and was waiting on them.

Wonder if Submirines carry boxes of Chef Boy-ar-dee Lard Balls as freebie snacks for any Polar Bears they might find when they come up through the ice into someone's back yard?

I tired to wake up Mumzie late-late last night when I found this photo in my e-mail Inbox, but she pretended she was too sleepy to come look at it on the puterscreen and said if I didn't go away and leave her alone, she'd sub-my-mirine. Anybody know what that means? I goggeled it and got nuttin.

Klondike Bars:
by ZeroBear

It has come to my attention that there is a guy in Tuscaloosa who does not like Klondike Bars. First of all, such an attitude is in blatient opposition to Bears trying to earn a living, as a big white bear is prominantly displayed on teh wrapper. No Klondike consumption means a hard working bear is out of work and we deserve better than that. 

I have a question that is worthy of everone's consideration.

What's got into you Judus?

Klondike Bars are lucious creamy smooth vanilla IceCeam, formed into a thick chilly cold bar of delight. Then they are dipped in smooth sweet chocolate, teh desire of gods. Chololately brown heaven that envelops the bestest center a frozen treat could ever hope to posess. One bite and any PolyBear or T-Town Alabamaian should be in full bliss.

Sheesh! Some Peoples....

Truth in Marketing Notice:

ZeroBear Marketing Services, LLC did not receive any monetary compensation for this skilfully worded product placement. However should the Good Humor Bryers division of Unilever Corporation (fine folks one and all) want to send 20 or 30 cases of Klondike bars in grateful consideration of their product being prominantly featured on a popular polystuffed animal blog, they may do so by shipping them to ZeroBear Marketing Services, LLC, DBA ZeroBear Blog at Mumzie and Da's House. Why not have your peoples call my peoples and we'll work out teh details.

ZeroBear PolyBear, esq.

President, CEO, CFO, Zerobear Marketing Services, LLC

Every PolyBear Needs to Drive

by ZeroBear

Boy, the Interwebs is a wonderful place! (Thank you, Thank you, Thank you, Al Gore) Have you ever been to http://www.fakeDriver'sLicense.com? They have the nicest people working there.

For only $14.95 they made me up this swell Driver's License from the State of Alasker. And they cheerfully accepted Mumzie's PayPal account. Would you believe I still have that password she left out on the puter desk that night? One never knows when they might need a PayPal password. I figured getting a driver's license from Alasker would raise the fewest questions if I got pulled over for driving on the sidewalk and had to use it at a roadblock, with a bail bondsman or to cash a check or whatever.

Now I just needs me some fast wheels. I asked and Mumzie said "NO" to my offer to share her car with her on days that I don't need it.

I think I'll drop by http://www.Fastcars.com/ tonight and see what that have. Anyone know how to spell Lambrigennie?

Maybe I'll pick me up a Ferrari Testosterone. I wonder what Mumzie's PayPal limit is.

Guys in Polar Bear Suits
by ZeroBear

Am I the only one on the interwebs hoo is worried about this disturbing photo?


Obviously there are questions that need to be answered:

1. Does he have any real people friends?
2. How did he break the news to his mommie?
3. Hoo does the zipper for him?
4. Tighty Whities?
5. There is no #5
6. We won't go there on this blog.
7. Does he use a dry cleaner or the old Amana at home?
8. Chlorox liquid or Color safe Cheer?
9. Why? Why? Why?
10. Is the rumor true - that he also owns a white duck suit for evening wear?

Inquiring minds and all that stuff....

Another PolyBear Game!
by ZeroBear

Let's play Try not to think about PolyBears.

Here is how you play:

1 - Get a Stopwatch (http://www.stopwatches.com/)
2 - Click on photo above
3 - Watch it as you play
4 - Click the gobutton on the stopwatch and try as hard as you can to not think about PolyBears.
5 - When a PolyBear (as in ZeroBear) comes across your mind, click teh stop button on your stopwatch.

Da can "NOt Think About PolyBears" for an astounding 0.6 seconds.

He holds the record at our house.

Yea, Da!

Games PolyBears Play
by ZeroBear

Today we will play the game

"See hoo blinks first"

The first one to blink loses.

Get ready....

You can click on me to make me bigger

if you think that will help (which it won't).

Put your Nose close to the 'puter screen.

Stare into Zero's eyes.

Concentrate hard and try not to blink

On three we'll go.

One

Two

Three

You lose!

Give Zero a quarter.

Wanna try again?