Teleportation
By Junior Starfleet Commanding Officer ZeroBear Poly Bear, esq. 

I have decided that you guys need some education, so I had Scotty explain teleportation to me and I will instruct all of you. Pay attention. There will be a test and I do not grade on a curve.

As I get kind'a urpey when I do curves.

Ready? OK - teleportation allows for the transfer of matter

across space

Using anomalies like antimatter

Time/Portal Flux

and wormholes

Any questions?

Fine - Take out a pencil and paper. Ready? Start.

1 - Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?

2 - What is the speed of dark?
3 - Can you be a closet claustrophobic?
4 - Why is the word "abbreviation" so long?
5 - Is it possible to be totally partial?
6 - What's another word for thesaurus?
7 - If a book about failures doesn't sell is it a success?
8 - If a funeral procession is at night, do folks drive with their lights off?
9 - When companies ship Styrofoam, what do they pack it in?
10 - If you are cross-eyed and have dyslexia, can you read all right?
11 - Why do kamikaze pilots wear helmets?
12 - If a parsley farmer is sued, do they garnish his wages?
13 - When it rains, why don't sheep shrink?
14 - Should vegetarians eat animal crackers?
15 - Do cemetery workers prefer the graveyard shift?
16 - What do you do when a endangered animal eats endangered plants?
17 - If a mute swears, does his mother wash his hands?
18 - If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?
19 - Is there another word for synonym?
20 - Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do "practice"?
21 - When sign makers go on strike, is anything written on their signs?
22 - When you open a bag of cotton balls, is the top one meant to be thrown away?
23 - Why isn't there mouse flavored cat food?
24 - Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
25 - Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?
26 - If a turtle does not have a shell, is he homeless or naked?
27 - Why do they sterilize the needles for lethal injections?
28 - Is it true cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny?
29 - If you shoot a mime, should you use a silencer?
30 - How come we never hear about gruntled employees?


Finished? OK - Hand your paper to the person to your left and we will grade them in class. Don't forget to sign it on the upper right.

Beam Me Down Scotty!

By Junior Starfleet Officer ZeroBear PolyBear

There is almost no limit to the fun you can have here on the Starship Enterprise. Yesterday, after I finally decided that Friday the 13th falling on a Saturday had passed, I met this nifty guy named Scotty. Scotty is responsible for the go button on the Teleportation Machine. Did you know that you can go just about anywhere if you can get him to Google Galactica the space coordinates and hit the go button for you?

Don't believe me? Watch this.

Here we have for your consideration, a Martian rock garden. Where are all the little green men, you ask? Well dufus, there aren't any little green men on Mars. They are reddish brown, and they can get pretty big along side a little PolyBear Junior Starfleet Officer, but I'm getting off subject. I have convinced Scotty to do a demo for you earthling guys. Just watch this.

OK Scotty, Beam me down!

Ain't that nifty?

OK Scotty, Beam me back up...

OK Scotty, beam me back up...

Scotty?

Scotty?

Uh ... Please?

Sheesh! Starship etiquette can be a real pain.

Whew! Back Again!

I may stay here forever. Did you know they have a machine that makes Pronto Pups out of thin air? Diet Dr Peppers and pizza rolls and buttered popcorn too! Ol Doc Bones likes him some late night Pronto Pups with his hot chocolate! Spock says they're not logical, but if he thinks you aren't watching, he'll scarf down three or four faster than you can say "Tribbles is Trouble."

Tonight I'm going to introduce them to Klondike Bars.

Did I mention Scotty talks funny?

"Aye canut git any mor out'a her Kapt'n Kirk!"

He's a real hoot!

Oh Nose!

Why do these things always happen? Once again (brace yourself), Friday the 13th is about to sneak onto the calendar on a Saturday! The problem is, up here in space I has no idea which day is Friday and which day is Saturday. In a counter rotational orbit, the dang day changes every 90 minutes or so. Considering all of that, I expects terrible horrible scarey things to happen. I haven't seen them yet, but I expects there must be Space Boogers here on the Starship Enterprise like crazy.

What was that!

Oh sorry, the AC cut on.

Anyhoo, I am hid away in a top secret hidey place that will remain umentioned, (safely socked away among a certain Com officer's socks and jammypants.)

Unless the space boogers finds this private place,

 all should be well. Until Friday the 13th coming on a Saturday has passed, it will be every PolyBear for himself. Should anyone be in the neighborhood of a certain Com Officer's sleeping quarters with a spare slice of Pepperoni and Sausage Pizza. It might be nice if you poked it through the drawer opening of her bottom right side drawer. A Diet Dr Pepper would be nice, too.

Obviously a certain little PolyBear will be out of touch until Sunday the much safer 14th. May the force be with me. Oh, you too.

Why didn't I pick up a ray gun before I came in here?

What was that!

Life On Board the Enterprise
By Famous AstroBear PolyNaught and Honorary InterGalactic Federation SpaceGuy ZeroBear PolyBear, esq.

This is an update post from - was it yesterday? Its so hard to tell one day from the next while crusing around in a Farnsworth Berkley Becham Model 12 Time Spacey Continuum or whatever this thing we seem to be caught in is called.

The news is, I'm here! I is on the Battleship Galactica - no wait that's not right, I'm on the Starship Enterprise. Shown above is my welcoming committee, consisting of Captain Kirk, and some other space dudes and dudettes, even dudes with pointy Vulcan ears. Thank goodness that big scarey dude with the black helmet and light saber is gone on Vacation or something. Better for him, though. It would probably have embarrised him to have to say, "You has great power ZeroBear. The force in you is great!"

I gotta tell you, these Star Wars Womens are really cute! Even if they don't wear pink (You're still my one true love Shiela - don't believe everything you hear about a supposed incident in the TrekGlow Lounge Karioke Bar last night. I was innocent and hopefully no charges will be pressed).

These guys (rightly so) see me as a real contender, every bit as powerful a presence as WWF Wrassler Jo Jo the Jamacian Juggernaught. Above, Spock attempts to do a Vulcan mind/leg meld with me and my superior intellect was just too much for his puney Vulcan Brain. Sheesh, had he asked, I could'a told him that. After Cpt. Kirk was able to peel Spock's hand off my leg, breaking him free of the mind/leg meld, for about three hours all Spock could do was walk into walls mumbling "Pronto Pups with double mustard, please".

He's a real hoot - "Poly Bears are not Logical!" What a  hoot! And it wasn't even my yellow leg. Who knows what might have happened had he grabbed the old yellow leg. 

 

I'm not knocking the Women on the Spacey Station, but Uhura's a real babe. Check out them pipe cleaners! She puts the Uni in Uniform, don't she? And I likes me some womens in black leather military boots too!

There is a major problem though.

She has fallen badly for a certain PolyNaught AstroBear.

It seems to be affecting even her stellar work attitudes on her com station. Just look at how she showed up for work this morning, and so I am avoiding her (well, there was that one time we passed in the hallway). All morning long she just sits there all dreamy eyed in her party down uni, thinking about that wonderful evening in the Karioke bar. In her defense, I does a mean Elvis - probably better than the King himself.

"Don't ever,

Don't ever

Don't ever

Don't ever.

Sometimes won't you

Do it?"

All the Womens love it when I sings that. I had no idea it would affect Uhura so badly, though.

(sigh)

 I see us staying apart as best for everyone. Afterall, we are different species and then she is really tall, even in low heel boots. However, I gotta admit that she is a definate 10 on the intergalactic Hubba Hubba Scale.

You will be pleased to learn that I am getting along splendidly with most of the crew. Capt Kirk says I am the Poly Bear he never had. I call him Cap. Kirksey Poo. He asks my opinion on just about everything - even hotel rates and stuff like that. I think they are having a PolyBear sized uniform made for me out of one of Spock's spare Unis. That doesn't seem to thrill him much. I guess he used to be #2 on the pecking order.

Doesn't seem to bother Uhura much, though.

Hubba Hubba.

Really Wierd Stuff HAppens in SPace!

by Ace AstroBear PolyNaught ZeroBear

No sorry. the photo (above) was an oopsie and part of another post about wierd spacey stuff. Here (below) is the proper lead-in photo.

We were cruising along on autopilot overdrive watching an old Jetson's episode on Good Morning Spacey Station earlier today, zinging along at about 27724 Kilometers per hour, (give or take) when we saw the dangdest thing out there headed right toward us. I whooped out my trusty blackberry phone camera and took a photo for you guys.

Commander Jim quickly called us all together and in a very scientific (Spacey Station) manner asked, "Wha Tha Heack is ThaaaaaaaT?" Well, everyone had their opinion, but I nailed it right smack on the noggin when I responded, "That looks like a Farnsworth-Berkley-Beckem Model 12 Time Spacey Continuum to me." Don't tell me you can't learn things from random InterWebs browsing. I is proof of excellence in browsing information retention. Don't get me started on that moon landing was a hoax and didn't really happen thingie. I plans on visiting Wright Patterson AFB to drop by Hanger 12 and have my photo taken on the fake moon set right after I make it back home, but like I said, don't get me started.

Anyhoo, Commander Jim quickly Googled "FBBM12TSC" and ZABBA DABBA I was the only one who got a gold star by my name on the  "Who's serving on the Spacey Station this week?" board. They did give Astronaught Dan a green star for his "Swirley Blue Whirley Spacey Thingie" answer, but green stars is common as Blue Jays. I could get a green star before breakfast if I was interested in such sophomoric friviloty.

Anyhoo, the thing quickly enveloped us and it got all dicey for a few minutes. Everyone on board (except for your's truly) had assumed their assigned stations and was singing SATB harmony into their respective Urp Bags, but not me. I was watching that sucker out the window, uttering a knowledgable "UhOh" when what to my wondering eyes should appear? (no - not a mineature sleigh with eight tiny reindeer - jees!) - This thing was in there with us:

Noooooo! This dang puter keeps messing up. My guess is that it's probably not ISO:37645 certified for Time Spacey Comtinuum operation. This is what had got sucked in there before we arrived and was floating out there so close you could hit it with a rock:

Yep - the old Star Ship Interprize!

Anyhoo. About ten minutes ago - SPT (Standard Spacey Time) I radioed over a little "Take me to your leader" message and this Intersteller Beam me over Scotty thing is about to suck me somewheres. I can Feel it. No honestly I really can, right down to my litessicals.

Put your hands on the puter screen and you will be able to feel it too, dear hearts!

This is exciting. Commander Jim is all upset that he was busy reading the book (See "my do it by the book" comments elsewhere in these spacey station posts to understand that little poke) and didn't get to be first in line to be teleported across a Time Spacey Contimuum to The original Star Trek Ship.

I hope they has a Pronto Pups Stand on board, cause even though we had a wonderful breakfast of reconstituted rotten egg powder, 3 freeze dried prunes per Spacey Station Worker and a glass of dehydrated water, I could use a Pronto Pup and a diet Dr. Pepper.

More later...

Pronto Pups
by ZeroBear

Man, I'd give a nickel for a Pronto Pup right now. Wonderful wiener on a stick, dipped in lovely ProntoPup batter and fried to a golden brown cripsey deliciousness.

 

I've been dreaming about these babies for days now. What kind of space program forgot to make provisions for Pronto Pup production on the spacey station, I'll never know. How do they expect to ever get PolyBears to Mars if they can't even fry up a Pronto Pup in space?

I know - I can't figure it out either. Frankly I is worried about our spacey program.

All I know is somewhere down there, there is a State Fair midway with a little 

 

Pronto Pup stand, and they are dipping wieners in batter as I type out this letter of love. I close my eyes and I can smell them frying away in that 350 degree hot Crisco. Can you smell the mustard on those little guys? Well, I can. One Pronto Pup. Two Pronto Pups. As many Pronto Pups as a PolyBear wants. Mmmmmmmmmmmmustard...

Oh no! I has slipped over the edge! I is going Pronto Pup crazy!

Still Missing Mumzie
by AstroBear PolyNaught ZeroBear

Astronaught Billy assures me she's down there some wheres. He says that's our house right down there under all those clouds. I sure do miss her. Oh yeah I also miss that guy who lives with her. What was his name? Maybe it will come to me later.

I sure hope she's feeding the chipmunks. That guy who lives with you isn't eating up my fish sticks is he? Probably scarfing up my Pronto Pups.

Mumzie?

Sometimes it's Nice to Get Out of the House!

by AstroBear PolyNaught ZeroBear

This place is worse than Mumzie and Da's house. Something is always broken. If I was them I'd hire me some Joe the Handyman to come by every few days to help keep things in repair, but they insist on doing all the paint-up fix-up themselves.

Today was Friday fix-up day and Commander Jim had a list of projects a mile long, or as he likes to say "a list of projects 1.609344 kilometers long". Ha! that's a space joke, Don't tell me I can't make a bunch of plastic pocket protector flight controller guys down in Hooston laugh! I'm such a space-hoot. Take my wife, please.

 

So the guys started early and worked till late today. I think they get paid by the job and not by the hour, because it was work, work work all day long, tightening bolts here and adjusting springs there, with not even a 30 minute break when Oprah or Judge Judy came on. I could have completed everything in thirty minutes if they would let me use good oul duck tape, but they prefer that "do it by the book stuff". I guess they never read that non-fiction classic Men are From Duck Tape, Women are From Hot Melt. That's Astronaught Dan out there working on the solar panels. He is apretty good worker, but not really very observant because he failed to notice me goofing off in the air lock when he went outside this morning.

I had been hitching a ride on his back for most of the morning, just chilling out (at about minus 275 in the shade), which is chilly even for a PolyBear.

Imagine how surprized he was when he thought he was outside all by himself and I floated around the corner.

I guess it caused quite a stir in the spacey station when they saw me out there. The most PolyBear Scout honest thing I can say is that they never actually said I couldn't go outside. They only thing Commander Jim ever said that I can remember was that I had to quit trying to open the door while we were all inside and no one was looking. Oh yeh, he also said, "Flush it after each use - Dang it to heck!" I always thoughtit was better to let it mellow if its yellow and flush it down if its brown. I guess they have different rules up here where it will float out and away if you don't flush.

Anyhoo, we had lots of fun outside, except when my hat floated away. It took astronaught Dan a while to teather up, go out and fetch it back. I was happy that he was willing to go get it for me. When he finally caught up to it, it was well on it's way to Saturn, or Pluto, or somewheres out there. Losing it would have been horrible, because it's my favorite hat, keeps my ears warm and Mumzie worked really hard knitting it for me for Da's Birthday.

 

I did reward Astronaught Dan for his trouble. I gave him half of a crunchy fish stick to go with his dinner. He wanted some of my tatertots, too, but I said no, maybe next time.

Amazing what you can accomplish with a bite of fish stick and seemingly realistic promises of delayed tatertot gratification.

How? Oh, I can hold my breath a really really long time. PolyBears can do that - yeh we can. EazyPeazy eat grilled cheezy, Sally's sneezy, fried shrimp's greasy.

Sigh

Sometimes a little PolyBear just misses his Mumzie.

Sigh

Things they don't have on the Spacey Station
by Spacey Station AstroBear PolyNaught, ZeroBear

I don't know how much money they have actually spent on the Spacey Station to date. I heard Commander Jim mention $278,413,659,544,286.93 the other day,but that may have been just for satelite TV and his stash of Mars candybars. When things get a little rough, he says, "I'm going on a short Mars Mission. Be back in a few." and he goes to the toilet and stays more than long enough to eat two or three Mars Bars, or even a Milky Way.

They seem to be missing the strangest things here. Did you know they do not have one of these things?

I forget what this thing is called, but Da says it is the "primary weapon in the battle against toilet stop ups." Mumzie says "the handle doesn't fit her hand." I learned long ago that Mumzie goes berzerk when you come down the hall wearing it on your head like a hat with a handle. After she takes it from you, she immediately throws you into the washer machine and that is the pits.

Also they seem to be missing this evil looking thing.

Da calls this thing a snake and says it, "will address a world of problems and if it won't then you really have problems." Mumzie says those things "are aways Da's problems" and walks away whenever he gets that evil looking device out and starts down the hall toward the bathroom at home. I have no idea what he does with it in there, cause it scares the beegeezees out of me and I have no idea what that long springy thing coming out of that blue crankie bowl is used for, but the Poly Bear grabber on the end could latch onto you and not let go. I tries to avoid things like that unless I am chasing a cat. I know that Fluffy KItty hates it. JUST KIDDING! Sheesh.

And finally, I thought you were absolutely required to keep a gallon or two of this stuff on hand.

Da says this is the "plumber's little middle of the night friend." Mumzie says to "wake her up after it has been fixed, and don't make so much noise in there." 

I wonder why you always need this stuff in the middle of the night. Also I remain confused why stop-ups always happen to me. 

By now you probably have figured out that we had an small accident the other night. No one told me that the toilet

here on the Spacey Station has a limited APP handling capability during a flush, or what I refer to as a Toxic Substance Evacuation Procedure (That's TSEP for all you Spacey Station Gurus and general know-it-alls). Anyhoo, the other night, I was in the little room logging me some late night Bear time, doing what bears do in the toilet and I may have used a little too much TP. Anyhoo, when I flushed, the dang thing stopped up and quickly backed up. Good times went to bad times within a few seconds because there is no way of telling you what a space toilet back up in zero gravity looks like, especially when the base materials of the backup was formerly fish sticks and freezedried tatertots.

I was hours getting that toilet disaster taken care of. And did anyone even offer to help a poor little poly bear?

Nooooooooooooooooooo!

I got even though. The next night I flushed all of CommanderJim's Mars Bars down the old private business machine. It took hours, what with having to send them out into space one at a time, but I don't sleep much and everyone seemed to be away from my favorite late night chat room

http://www.pinkladieschat.com/.

When I was finished, the little white room had a lovely chocolate and almonds with a creamy nougate center smell, sort of like commander Jim's breath when he comes back from a trip to Mars.

Spacey Station Food
by ZeroBear from Spacey Station #1

Is really bad. You know, I may not have expressed myself properly, so let me try again.

It's really-really bad. It's awfully bad with a capital LOUSEY.

What with the bad food and that unfortunate 36 hour time out (a tad excessive I think, but evidently I am not allowed to help decide what the rules regarding PolyBears here will be), I was about ready to find the switch that puts this go cart into reentry mode and fly the station back home myself and then things suddenly seemed to turn around.

The number one good thing that happened is that Commander Jim finally let me out of time out (Thank you thank you THANKYOU). And then I found out that my dark cloud has a lining of guess what?

Yes! Those are FISH STICKS! My cloud is lined with fish sticks!

Shortly after I got released from time out, I was assigned KP and sent to the food locker to peel taters or something and what did I find? You gots it. Tucked down in the back of the freezer was a big box with the words printed on the outside that makes any little PolyBear's heart go thumpa thumpa ching ching.

Yes! They has about a gillion bozillion or twenty cases of my favorite crunchy 100% whole Fillets Fish Sticks back there in the freezer! And what is most best of all is no one else here likes fish sticks! Can you imagine that? Evidently they were shipped up for some Canadian Walrus or Killer Whale who came up to run that Canada robot arm thing  

and he left without eating them.

And he left a gillion cases? Let's see 20 cases times 12 boxes per case times 44 sticks per box? I could stay here forever!

I do wish I had some Tartar sauce. Has anyone got a bottle of Tartar sauce?

I wonder if there is any boxes of Pronto Pups mix hiding under that freeze dried junk in Commander Jim's secret stash. I could use a

Zero candy bar, too. I bet he's holding back on us lower ranking crew members.

Hooston, We Have A Problem
from a very unhappy PolyBear

Last night was not a good night up here on the Spacey Station. I don't know that it will happen, but (if) before my story gets released to the papers I need to at least tell my side. At the moment I have been placed in Time Out and have no real idea when I will be released from confinment. At least there is a puter here so that I can go online to the interwebs and get out my side of what happened.

As you guys know, I have been concerned with Spacey Station security since coming on board. This was no secret to Commander Jim, as was my insistance that not having fish sticks or Pronto Pups on the menu was unkind to PolyBears, who (everyone knows) must have their fish sticks and Pronto Pups to remain happy and cooperative.

Anyhow, it is common knowledge that there are things in outerspace, like Boogers,

Mad Robots,

Creepy Crawlers

 and Blond Amazon Space Women from the Barbarella Galaxie

 just to mention a few, who will get you if you do not remain ever vigilant. I'm not trying to scare anyone, but look at this! 

There is some really scarey stuff out there Don'cha know! Anyhow, I politely asked to be assigned a ray gun as soon as I came on board and Commander Jim gave me some kind of bogus story about not having any ray guns in the Spacey Station or something like that. Any doofus knows that Starwars was crammed full of ray guns. Battle Star Galactica was overflowing with ray guns. Star Trek had more ray guns than you could throw a tribble at. Even Old Flash Gordon had Ray guns. Those guys were all in space, We are in space, There MUST be ray guns.

Why the heck would anyone want to go into space where there are millions of guys like this?

Without a ray gun?

Harrumpht!

Anyhow, last night I was doing a little late night plunder and pillage stuff while everyone was snoozing away and suddenly some booger thump went off at the far end of the Spacey Station and I realized that a booger had snucked up behind me and TOOK MY HAT!

Now, I ask you? At that point what's a PolyBear to do? I ran as fast as my little polystuffed legs would take me (which by the way is hard to do in zero gravity) and hit the Spacey Station PANIC BUTTON.

By the way, Thank you NASA or Canada or Russia or whoever made it because it works really good. Lights was flashing. Alarms was blasting away. Space boogers was running as fast as they could for their hidey holes. And Spacey Station guys was scrambling to get their spacey suits on over their jammies.

Then Commander Jim hit the override button and silenced the alarm. I quickly explained to him that we needed to hand out the ray guns pronto fast as I had plainly hurd a "Thunk" from a dark room down the hallway and MY HAT WAS GONE!

I'm so embarrised

Earlier, I had gone to the toilet to (ah) do what Bears do in the (ahhhh) Toilet, and evidently my hat came off and floated down to the floor, where it stuck on a DANG PIECE OF VELCRO! Why would I have looked down there when I left? Would you? I thought not...

I still says that boogers are on board with us and the only thing that will keep us safe is the immediate issuance of ray guns to all Spacey Station workers. But will they listen to me? Nooooooooooooooo!

Obviously Commander Jim disagrees and the result is that I am in extended Time Out. Every time he passes the little room they put me into I shout out a hearty "Yo! Commander Jim! Whazappnin, bro?" He acts just like I said nothing at all.

He seems to be a really highstrung guy to put in a commander position. I'm not questioning NASA's wisdom in choosing him over a more sensible PolyBear who recently came on board or anything, but I do know that if a certain PolyBear were in charge, we'd all be carrying Model 12 Farnzeworth Blastaway Rayguns.

I know - Ain't it cool? I found it on the interwebs. They aren't on e-bay yet - evidently you must special order them. Anyhoo, if I had me one of them babies no space booger would thump or bump in the far end of the Space Station, cause if he did, I'd knock him into tomorrow, even if it did take out an external wall or something. IMO, you can't cut a thunk in the darkness any slack or it will reach out from the darkness and grab you.

Does anyone know their Congressman or Senator well enough to get some higher up assistance to help a little PolyBear out of a tight jam? This may take some doing. Commander JIm is talking about letting me out when pigs fly and there aint none of those weaseley little pink guys up here. I checked for them right away whe I got here cause you can't trust a pig, especially the pink ones.

(sigh)

Sometimes it's hard to be a Spacey Bear

by ZeroBear

They tell me that's Amber's house right down there. One of the problems with being a world famous AstroBear PolyNaught is not being with your sweeties when it's their birthday and that's exactly the case with Amberbug. If you look straight up Miz Amber you'll see me waving happy birthday your way.

Sorry I couldn't be there with you today girl, but I am flying overhead wishing I had me some of your birthday cake even as you read this. You better save me a piece of cake for when I get home, girl.

Anyhow, Happy Birthday from the best PolyBear you know,

ZeroBear