I May Win The Italian Legion of Merit Award

I have it all figured out.

They have this tourist trap building over there 

that got all crooked. I think it is a town 

called Sausage Pizza.

I have figured out how to

straighten it out for them.

I will be famous in Italy. I bet they will figure out

a special prize for me when I do it.

My fix requires a big box of dynamite and  

some superglue. The superglue I have. Anyone know

where I can pick up about 1600 pounds of dynamite?

Oh I need a pretty long fuse and a box of matches, too.



Things you Miss in Space

By: ZeroBear SpaceBear

Categorize this message under "People Places and Things"

I'm not trying to put anyone down. They don't get much better than Uhura

(hubba hubba),

but sometimes a PolyBear Intergalactic SpaceGuy misses his lovely Mumzie, and that guy she's married to. I'm sure I must miss him, too, although as I recall there is not even a single Hubba to be associated with his name.

Why can't I remember that guy's name? I'm sure it will come to me later. Oh well, we'll just call him Mumzie's #2 favorite playmate, after a certain #1 PolyBear. 

Fact is, I miss lots of stuff from home.

Take TV for instance. They have terrible reception here in the Enterprise. You'd think a Warp 7 Starfleet craft would get more than 8 channels worth watching. Do you know they don't even have Animal Planet? Kirk says that he is trying to hold costs down and that most folks log in too much Boobtube time anyhow.

My interwebs broadband subscription costs alone would probablly pay for the Deluxe Includes Animal Channel Satellite Dish Package.

Sure would be nice to get Animal Planet up here, cause I really like that Unlimited Wild Lady Chipmunks Mud Wrasslin show that comes on Animal Planet Late night.

I'm rooting for the girl on the left. She looks a lot like Peaches.

Then there is the DIY Channel. You'd think Kirk would subscribe to that just as an educational offering. Where else can you get everything you ever wanted to know about how they make flashlights?

 

and Cat-a-pults?

I think that other thing has something to do with automatic hedge trimmers.

It goes without saying that without the history channel, we'd know almost nothing about the technical side of Slingshot design

 

and every StarFleet Officer should know how to make a slingshot.

Then, no one else may, but I miss my movies.

Have you seen this one? It's called Bonzo gets a 45. Wonderful plot.

Last week I got to thinking (it could happen) that space colors are nice and the whole place is exciting

But I miss my fireworks experiments:

Most of all I miss the basic necessities that no Bear should be forced to live without:

I give up a lot for this life of adventure.

Oh - Da - His name is Da. Now if I could only remember what he looks like.

Phasers and Ray Guns
BY: Starship Enterprise Junior Weapons Officer ZeroBear PolyBear

You probably already knew this, but here it is again. Space is absolutely full of scarey stuff.

There is only one suitable defense against such dangers and no respectable space PolyBear would be caught without his trusty:

No... Wait ... I'm not sure where that came from. It just popped up and now I can't get rid of it. Actually no self respecting space PolyBear would be caught without his trusty:

Yeah. That's the trick. His trusty ray gun - every SpacePolyBear needs a trusty ray gun! Although they don't seem to have any of the Model 12 Farnzeworth Blastaway Rayguns like that baby shown above, they do have a nice assortment of ray guns here on the Enterprise.

However, Captain Kirk is a real stick in the mud when it comes to qualification requirements for carrying any of these babies. First, you must pass a safety quiz.

 

That's me way back there in the back with the confuzzeled look on my face. I quickly evaluated this examination and gave it to old "Glance to the Left, Glance to the Right. Cheat off the smarter looking of the two" method of examination completion. Unfortunately I scored an 81, which indicates how dumb some smart looking people actually are. But anything over 80 is a passing score for a D level Ray Gun so I'm not all that upset. Still, I have my pride and it would have been nice to ace the exam. Oh, well. Next comes Target practice:

 

With the exception of one minor misshap:

I think I did pretty good on my range test. Evidently Kirk, who evaluates all ray gun qualifications thought otherwise because

This is what he gave me after the qualification. I didn't even get a quick draw leather holster and spare cartridges. I was not impressed.

How am I supposed to protect the Enterprise against that thing above with a friction powered ZapBrannigan Atomic Ray gun? Kirk better hope he doesn't get eaten up by a bug, cause I'm not gonna be able to help him when he gets his keester in a crack.

Maybe I can sneak his weapons room key away from him while he's sleeping or in the Johnny Pot room. I wonder if Uhura would order me one off the interwebs? Mumzie's paypal account seems to have some sort of overdraft problem. Maybe I shouldn't have ordered that nifty

Model 12 Farnzeworth Zippie-do-dah personal shuttle craft last week. Turns out I gotta qualify to drive it, too.

Sheeesh - Space rules are the pits!

A Trek Trip To Ireland
By ZeroBear Sea Monster Eater PolyBear

Boy did we have a good time yesterday. Captain Kirk had been promising the Officers a field trip for days and in honor of St. Patty's day, and since the Enterprise is still stuck in that Farnsworth-Berkley-Beckem Model 12 Time Spacey Continuum, Good Old Captain Kirkseypoo decided to transport us down to Ireland!

Anyhoo, we all gathered in the transporter room at ZeroSomethingOrOther hundred hours (That's starfleet talk) and beamed ourselves down.

Kirk left the starship on auto pilot.

Everyone knows what a self sacrificing crew member I am and so I offered to stay on board, take the helm and drive the StarShip for the crew while they were away ("Engine Room, Give me Warp twelve"), but Kirk said he didn't think that would be a good idea.

I showed him my Drivers License

 

but old Mr. Pointey Ears know-it-all chimed in and said it didn't seem logical to him that I would have one. Well Mr. know-it-all-can't-even-do-a-mind-leg-meld with a PolyBear, there it is above. Perfectly good Drivers License. I paid $14.95 for it on http://www.fakedriverslicenses.com/. Oh well, at the point Spock objected it became a lost cause, so I just went with them.

Once there, we went to Castle Blarney. I missunderstood Uhura yesterday. I thought she said we were going to Barney - that big purple dino's house. INstead, she said Blarney, home of the kissey rock.

So, we took the $5.00 tour to kiss the Blarney Stone along with about a Bozillion other tourists. The line was pretty long and then the whole "kiss the rock" deal was disappointing.

The darn thing is way up in the air at the top of a scarey tower. That's it on the other side of those "We're all gonna die" bars in the photo, and I had to be willing to lay on my back and let someone hold my legs and lower me down to the kissey spot, which there's no way I'm gonna do that so high up in the air. A PolyBear could lose his hat that Mumzie Knitted for him for Da's Birthday doing such foolishness. So, everyone else did the whole kissey rock thing and I settled for a smooch from Uhura. She's such a sweetie. I have no idea how she'll ever get over a certain PolyBear when splitsville time comes as it always must (sigh). Such is the life of a Galactic wide famous AstroBear PolyNaught and Junior Starfleet Commander.

After kissing the rock they all wanted to go on a dungeon tour, which was a big mistake. Let me take a poll here. How many of you think an Irish dungeon is a good place to run into a scarey old Irish haunty-spook? Well I do too.

 

Here (above) is where they wanted me to go. The second I showed up, here is what showed up.

JeePeRs CReePers! An Irish HaaaaAaaannnt! I haven't stopped shaking yet. Hoo knows what would have happened if that HauntyGhost had been able to get me down there in the dark. Uhura stayed with me on a bench out in the well lit hallway by the snack machines while everyone else did that dark & scarey part of the tour. While they were gone, I sat in her lap and held on to her tight to keep the boogers away from her. Then we went upstairs to tour the rest of the place and what did we find? You got it. MOre boogers!

I was happy when we decided to leave that place to go find something to eat. Dang Irish HaunteySpookBoogers.

The nice thing about Ireland that I discovered is that it's absolutely full of good places to eat.

Here is where we had dinner. A nice Irishman named Shaun O'Shaunisey ran the place. He said that Ghosts weren't allowed. In Ireland they call these places Pubs. They had lots of nice stuff to drink. I had Diet Dr. Pepper

Everyone else had this stuff.

Smelt like Motor Oil to me and burned my nose. I guess Old LOgical Spock had a few too many and when we got back last night he (according to Captain Kirk, who gave him heck about it today) evidently, visited the throne room and talked to Ralph all night. I didn't know there was a King Ralph on board the Enterprise. He never comes to the officers' canteen for breakfast. Mr. Spock didn't come down this morning either. Maybe he had breakfast with King Ralph in the Throne Room (LaDeDaa).

Irish Food

Did you know that you can eat Sea Monster in Ireland? Look at this scarey sea monster they cooked up for us at the Pub.

 Hoooo Nelley! However - surprize - surprize - here is what it looked like after they cooked it all up and added some tater fixings.

HA! Sea Monster Sticks and Tater Tots. Tasty as can be! I may move to Ireland and live on Sea MOnster Sticks and Tater Tots when I retire from StarFleet. Oh yeah that tartar sauce was first rate, too. Almost as good as Mumzie's, but I told Shaun I liked it better.

OK, one last thing. I'm not trying to rub anyone's nose in the dirt, but here was old Pointey Ears Drivers LIcense is not Logical when we got back last night.

He'd been lots better off if he had stuck with me and Diet Dr. Pepper. MAybe his good buddy King Ralph will take care of him today over in the throne room, cause I gots better things to do.

I can do it!

By: Junior Star-Fleet Teleportation Officer ZeroBear PolyBear

This teleportation stuff is easy as can be. Scotty went to the officer's grill for lunch and forgot to lock the door to the teleportation bridge. Just look at what I have beamed up here while he was gone.

Here is my favorite chicken buddy, Dancing George. He is a little confused, but other than that, he seems fine to me. He has "dancing foot". I think that is the Okeechobee One Step he's doing. What a talented guy!

Here is my friend Don T. Duck.

He lives in Mumzie's bath tub at home. As far as I know, he is not much of a dancer. Hopefully I can send him back before she misses him.

Moving right on, once you get the hang of using that Google Galactica program you can find just about anything.

Hope they don't miss this baby in the Warehouse at their manufaturing plant. Notice the Polar Bear on the cup? Good gig, if you can get it. I guess I need to beam up some syrup, cups and straws. Anyone know how to run one of these babies?

Look at this!

I already discovered how to penetrate the very best security so's I can pull lots of nifty stuff up here. You'd be amazed at how many of these they have at Ft. Knox. No way they'd miss a few bars. They just leave them stacked in piles around a stuffy old vault anyhoo.

Ha! I sucked this baby up from out'a Hanger 18 at Wright Patterson AFB. I bet some MP gets his rear end chewed up good when they find this thing missing.

Uh, Scotty will be back soon, I gott'a start sending most of this stuff back. The Air Force guys will get plenty mad if they find their flying saucer gone.

Worse than that, This guy:

Refuses to leave. May have been a mistake punching his Google Galactica coordinates into the machine. Found him working at a Dairy Queen in Tulsa. He hasn't aged a lick in forty years. He says it's clean living and Grape Popsicles keeps him fresh. The Icee Machine was for him.

More later. "Uh, Thank'ya very much."

ZeroBear has left the building.