Ask ZeroBear

Oh Mr. ZeroBear,

Can you help me with a question
I have pondered for a long time
with no clear answer?

What is the singular premise of
our existence in the universe?

Signed,

William - A fellow seeker.

***

Dear Willie,

You don't mind if I call you Willie, do you?

You know, I gott'a say,

I think you look more like him than he did.

But I bet you already knew that.

Anyhow

Singular?

Sure, I can do that,
as long as we keep it simple
because it's all simple.

I think that to him, we are a lot like

this.

And yet he remains interested in each of us.

Ask ZeroBear

Dear Mr. ZeroBear,

Is it really true that

Dogs don't like cats?

Signed,

Wondering in Washington

***

Dear Double W,

I think this explains it very well:

"Cat? What cat?"

This is just my opinion, but

It's pretty obvious that Rover

likes that cat a lot.

Signed,

ZeroBear PolyBear



Ask ZeroBear

Mr ZeroBear,

Sometimes I can't make up my mind.
Do you have problems
making up your mind?

Signed,

Confused Doug, from Seattle


*****


Dear West Coast Confuzzeled,

Do you have any idea how much like him you look?

but, you're not him?

You're certain? OK...

But you could have fooled me, and I'm hard to fool.

Anyhow, those of you who come by all the time

know that I'm trying to make up my mind

about getting a new place to call home.

There are lots of options.

So many that I am having trouble making up my mind.

However

Most of the time, I have no problems making a decision..

Like deciding what to eat?

Sweet choice

or maybe

or maybe

or

You know what?

I guess sometimes its not so easy to make up your mind.

Sort'a like this lady deciding which

purple flower to pick.

Go  on, you have my permission to be confused.

Perhaps even about who you really are

signed,

Now I'm confuzzeled, too.

(you really are him, aren't you?)

Ask ZeroBear

It's hard to fool you guys.

Evidence?

I got an e-mail 

from George this week.

Yes, I think he looks a lot like that other

scientist guy, too, but this guy's name is George.

He works for NASA and has asked

that I not use his last name, which is Simmons, so

I won't tell you guys that, to help protect his privacy

because he does a lot of top secret stuff, like

package the Tang for the Astronauts
on the Space Station.

Anyhow George wrote the following e-mail:

***

Hea Bro PolyBear,

You might fool the other guys,

but I know where you are

and I know what you're doing.

You're in Toledo

at the Funnel Cake Convention aren't you?

Signed,

George, from NASA"

***

Yep, George, you found me out.

Here is a photo for your scrapbook.

No wait. Thats a piece of lint

I found under Da's chair

a while back. Anyone know how to

erase a photo from a Blog Page?

Oh forget it. Just ignore the lint.

Here

This is the one for you. And by the way you are correct.

I contracted with NASA to go to "Toledo" with their new

experimental taxi

and scout out the best path for it to go each day.

They don't want it to fall into a pothole or anything.

Bring it over this way, guys!

Ask ZeroBear

Mr. ZeroBear

what do you think about playing in the water?

signed,

anything to keep cool.

Dear Wet One,

My experiences

with water

have not been good ones and I try to avoid it
at all cost.

However, I guess there have been
good water experiences for others.

Example?

Evidently, not only can you lead an elephant

to water,

but apparently you can

teach him how to swim, too.

Ask ZeroBear

Mr. ZeroBear,

Can a person be too happy?

Signed,

Mr. Smiles.

Washington, D.C.

***

Dear Smiley,

Do you have any idea how much like ... uh ...

what's his name? Anyhow, you look a lot like him.

Cute Kid. Hope you told her to wear her seat belt.

Da always straps me in tight.

Anyhow - getting to your question.

Most of the time I am very happy.

I have my friends

I have a special e-mail lady I met on the interwebs

in the Pink Ladies of Vegas Chat Room.

I have several really nice flashlights.

And the Chipmunks.

And I have a Mumzie who makes really good waffles.

However, some folks

seem just a little bit too happy.

So, maybe you can be.

Signed,

ZeroBear PolyBear, esq.

P.S. Are you sure you're not him?

That picture could have fooled me.



Ask ZeroBear 08/07/2012

Dearest ZeroBear,

What can I do with all of these clothespins

I have around the house?

Signed - A fan from Chicago

***

Dear Windy,

You know that clothespins have been

used for years to hang clothes

on the clothesline.

What's a clothesline?

The clothesline is an ancient invention, with the 

first recorded use in 3476 BC over in Messofpatsamia.

Back then it was known as a solar clothes dryer.

Now it's just something

your Granny uses to dry her clothes.

 

But there are many other uses

like securing

an open Taterchip bag for storage.

(Yes, some people don't eat the entire bag

when they open one - I know, it shocked me, too.)

or

gathering loose material together, until

they can figure out what to do with it.



Ask ZeroBear

Gee Mr. ZeroBear

what do you call that thing?

It's a Dairy Queen.

Jeepers, don't you guys know anything?

Ask ZeroBear

Dearest ZeroBear,

Just like that other one looked a lot like that other her,

I have been told that I look a lot like another her.

I need to know. Is there a chance for us?

With great affection,

Me

****

Dearest Me,

Yes you do look a lot like that other her.

However, before making any long term commitment,

I need to know, What is your attitude toward



Tatertots?

Surely you understand that a PolyBear

needs to keep his priorities in order.

Also, do you by chance live close to a

Root Beer store?

Waiting patiently for your answer,

ZeroBear

Ask ZeroBear

Dearest ZeroBear,

Yes, I do look a lot

like her. My question is,

I wonder could there be a chance for us?

Signed,

 Ever Hopefull

Dearest Yes You Do Look A Lot Like Her,

Well, it depends.

Can you make a waffle?

Cause I have standards.

Signed, Your friend ZeroBear

Ask ZeroBear

Mr. ZeroBear,

Why?

Signed, An interested reader

***

Response: from ZeroBear

Well, Timmy, surely you know,

There are times when in spite of how

careful you are,

and

how much effort you place on

looking ahead,

or

regardless of how much you work to  

keep your mind in the game,

you make one small careless step

and

and

and

You

step right in it....

 

Ask ZeroBear

Dear Mr. ZeroBear,

I found this on the Internet. Could it be true?

Dear reader.

Apparantly, yes.



Ask ZeroBear

Miz Sally, from Florida

Shown in this artist's rendering to protect her indentity

(I think she may be famous - probably a movie star.)

asks an interesting question that we will happily answer.

In a recent e-mail, she asks,

"Can you teach an old dog new tricks, ZeroBear?"

Evidently she has an elderly pooch that she needs to
get a bit role in her next movie for tax purposes
- supported by her insistence on not providing a photo,
only an insistence that I make her look like a movie star.

My answer follows:

Sally,

This comes from my personal experience,

"You can't do this. You can't do that."

Some times Da just drives me crazy.

And so we will investigate that tired old saying,

"You can't teach an old PolyBear new tricks."

Dog?

Can't teach an old dog?

Whatever.

Example 1

This is George.

No he is not a dog. He is a horse (Duh).

But he is old.

Can you teach an old horse new tricks?

No?

Well think again.

Play dead, George...

Good Horse.

Not convinced?

George will happily do another trick for you.

Act like a waffle, George

Pretty good trick I think.

More on Sally's important question later.

I smell the smell of hot waffles coming from the kitchen.

Hope there is chocolate milk to wash them down with.