11/11/11 incidents

Ever the servant to my readers, and since Mumzie and Da are out today, leaving me full access to Mumzie's puter, I have invested the extensive time required to scour all of the available news outlets in order to determine the extent of the dreaded 11/11/11 disaster occurrences.

The result of this investigation, which required a full 20 minutes of investigative work, completed in the time interval between SpongeBob episode # 418

 (the one where SpongeBob purchases a cast iron door stop from a traveling salestuna and watches in horror as it rusts away - I won't reveal the climatic scene in case you have not seen this episode  but the following is a hint at the drama coming to an unforgettable conclusion in the climatic scene of this episode)

Anyhoo, between the SpongeBob show and a chocolate milk

and cookies snack. I discovered a startling discovery that I will share here as a:

!!!! BREAKING NEWS FLASH !!!!

  In my research efforts I have uncovered an international conspiracy has taken place to silence the level of horribleness associated with the 11/11/11 disaster.

What I discovered is that there has been pitifully close to nuttin in the TV news Media Services informing the American  - excuse me - my apologies to all of my faithful international followers from Canada, Australia, Hong Kong, Chicago, and Miami so let me rewrite that - to all of my faithful International News Junkies and Junkettes.

Let me start over

They is keeping 11/11/11 a secret from everyone!

The evidence?

1. When 11/11/11 started (at 12:00:01 am on 11/11/11, or moments after the last "BONG" sounded on Da's Haunted Hallway Clock, which scares the BeeGeeBees out of me every time it goes off) there wasn't a single emergency defense siren that sounded anywhere in my neighborhood. Was there one sounding out an alarm in yours? I thought not.
2. Did "Misty and Marty in the Morning" even mention 11/11/11 on their TV early morning show (Channel 6, your up to the minute source for Meridian News)? Nope, they was too busy doing a new recipe for fluffy scrambled eggs with GooseBerry fruit and pudding cups, featuring Chef Bubba and his dancing PeekaPoo.
3. To my knowledge, there was not a single network interruption during Judge Judy, and I know several suspicious things happened during that hour that should have been reported.
4. My good friend Dave Letterman wanted to do a special segment on his show featuring that electrician and Gaffer team that does his special reports, but the proposal was SHOT DOWN BY CBS NETWORK EXECUTIVES. My understanding is that at least one of them is a Shriner, two of them is lower level Masons and one other belongs to the Civitan's Club.
5. Did you see anything on the Paris France nightly news about Dogs sleeping with cats? I thought they would avoid mentioning that.
6. Since I began putting this report together twenty minutes ago, the phone has rung three times and when I answered, one of the calls WAS A HANG UP. In the moments before the line went blank, I could have sworn I heard a Spaniard snoring. Here comes the clincher. The other two was supposed "Plastic Siding Contractor" offers to reside Mumzie and Da's House who hung up as soon as I started shouting about the TriLaterial Commission plotting against PolyBears. Oh, yeh - Has anyone yet recognized that the Acronymmmes for "Plastic Siding Contractor" is PSC?

Frightening isn't it?

Well I wants to put it in writing her for the world to read.

ZEROBEAR POLYBEAR AIN'T ASCARED OF NO PLASTIC SIDING CONTRACTOR!

I is somewhat scared of bumps in the dark:

and Zombies:

and SpaceBoogers



Yeh - Like none of you wooses are scared of zombie space boogers bumping in the darkness...

But I ain't scared of no Siding Contractor.

So I hereby take on my responsibility as an ethical Reporter of the TRUTH and hereby (for a second and possibly thrid time) - HEREBY - Report the Horrible Terrible Things that Happened on 11/11/11.

!!! WARNING !!!

ALL LITTLE CHILDREN AND SEVERAL OF THE MORE SISSY MEN WHO READ THIS SHOULD GO LOOK AT DRUDGE REPORT OR SOMETHING LESS SCARY THAN WHAT I'M ABOUT TO SHOW. 

It was reported that cats was sleeping with dogs.

Some pets was so bad they were forced into time outs until they learned the difference in inside and outside behavior.

Little childrens was forced to watch horrible stuff

Cars belonging to Mumzies was accidentally left in Drive when little unnamed PolyBears took them for a test drive while Mumzie was in the Grocery Store.

Grown men acted like Whiny Babies when they didn't win Best Moustache prize at the bi-weekly Lions Club Lunch at the Fifteenth Street Bar and Grill. (has you ever figured out what Bi-weekly means? I hasn't either).

Guys got shot through the head with Arrows and were forced to smile like it didn't really hurt

Elvi wedding crashers ran amok

This last one is too Turruble To Describe. Just look and Shudder at the Horror

In conclusion i ask, "Why did they hide this from us?

We has the right to know this stuff."

Reported by

Internationally Famous InterWebs Reporter

ZeroBear PolyBear, esq.

Oh I forgot the worstest thing that happened.

They left off the Tater Tots from my order at Bubba's Big Burger.

I told you it was a conspiracy!

Sheesh.

Is it over yet?

Is it 11/12/11 now?

Has we all made it?

Mumzie?

Da?

FluffyKitty?

Bueller?

Bueller?

...

Ferris Bueller?

...



I don't want to alarm everyone

But until that big scary clock in the front hallway

bongs out midnight again, you guys needs to be scared out of your begeezers!

Cause it's here!

What?

Softly, 11/11/11 lest we be heard speaking it's name

3 tips for the smarter of you who knows to listen to a (smarter than you) PolyBear

1 - Trust no one - Not even Mumzie and Da can protect a little polybear from the calendar boogers that is likely to attack on this most dreaded of days that must not be mentioned very loud, until it is gone. cause it might hear you and decide you hasnot shown proper respect.

2 - Stock up on Chocolate bars.

Cause they is tasty and if the end is coming, why would you not want to face it without the scent of chocolate on your breath. Maybe we needs some pronto pups, too

cause a pronto pup is good anytime. That's four for me and one for Da.

3 - If it moves, shoot it.

I has the old PigBlaster loaded and has lots of spare cartridges handy. If I sees it moving today it is gettin blasted out of existence. Da is already down at the emergncy room getting pig shot picked out of his keester cause walked in the bedroom from the hallway early this morning without proper response to my "Halt, Whoose Goes Theres?" challenge. How was I to know he had gotten up to light the fire under the coffee pot. You'd think he would at least give the old "Hooty Hoot" as he came down the hallway so I would know it was him or a friendly owl and not a ZoMbie Pig that needed to be dispatched.

4 - Always have Backup Ready

Fluffy Kitty has been gone ever since he saw me get these babies out of my hidey place. What a weeney. Wonder what Mumzie did with my matchbook.

6. You really needs another backup in case the first couple don't work. It would be a good idea to make sure you know

where your ZDK (Zombie Defense Kit) is located.

5 - When in doubt, Hide.

I is well hid under the duvet and will likely remain there, unless Mumzie fires up the Vacuum, cause I is a little scared of tha vacuum ever since I saw what it did to FluffyKitty that night when he was sleeping on the hallway rug and I let it get away from me.

It was an assident, I swears. Most of his hair has grown back and his tail is once again pretty straight, except for the little tippy part that got caught in the wolf trap jaws that time. He trys to lord it over me by saying that the vet told Mumzie it will always be like that. I think it gives him character, kind'a like a pirate with a peg leg, or  a black-patch eyeball. Anyhow, he shoul'a known better than to try to eat canned tuna off a Wolf Trap trip plate.

Oh well, be careful today.

Be very careful.

If we all make it and some of us probably won't,

I'll see youtomorrow.

Nine days left until

11/11/11

There are so many things to get done.

Has you hugged your Mumzie today?

Has you asked your Da for a three week advance on your allowance?

Has you entered a camel race?

Has you competed in a cheese roll?

Has you gotten rid of those letters you wrote to Miz Scarlet but never mailed after she ran away with the pig and LEFT YOU ALONE AND SAD SAD SAD!!! A PIG!!!! HOW COULD SHE DO THAT TO MEEZ?

Has you loaded all your important files on your thumb drive?

Has you told your hampsters you love them?

Has you threatened the Joint Assembly of the United Nations with a cucumber?

No?

You need to get busy.

Nine Days...

until 11/11/11

Tick Tock - Tick Tock

Ready for the Disaster?

Everybody needs a good disaster kit, just in case. What the heck does I mean Just in Case? Friends, the just in case is headed right at us and will be here in 13 days, which is the official arrival day of what smart peoples and other Know-It-Alls likes to refer to as

The end of what?

11/11/11, which is the end of Uh ... everything

Of course I could be wrong (and the Pope could be a Pinochle Player)

So the bigest question for tonight is

How well stocked is your disaster kit?

You'll need a few essential items if you have a good disaster kit. Let's review what you need:

1 = Firepower

Bonzo likes his 45 cal and he is a crack shot. A few years back, I understand he popped a ciggy out of future President Ronald Regan's mouth in one rapidly executed shot. Sadly it got cut from the movie because Ronnie screamed like a girlscout when Bonzo made his shot. As for me, I go for versatility in shoulder fired weapons of various military calibers. My choice is the National Arms Asortment:

Of course, any self respecting Poly Bear needs a good pig shooter when facing a disaster and I is well prepared to shoot me some pigs if needed.

There is a little pig that lives upstairs who will be the first to go - maybe by lunch on 11/13/11

I has had him in my sights before, but he talked his way out. "Please don't shoot me Mr. ZeroBear PolyBear. I promise to give you proper respect. " I'm such a chump. He said he would and he didn't. Next time, he is a goner.

# 2 = Grub - You needs Grub

I has purchased me a Pronto Pup Stand from Carney Suppliers International. They had an Interwebs special this week for their deluxe model, with the max capacity fry unit. I charged it to Mumzie's Visa Card.  They should deliver it on a big flatbed next week, complete with a thousand million boxes of sticks and a dumptruck load of Pronto Pup Mix.



I plan on putting Mumzie to work around 11/09/11 and having her cook up about a Bozillion footlong ProntoPups for us to take with us.

I has also obtained one of these babies:

Cause a PolyBear cannot live by Pronto Pups alone. He must have an occassional Icee. I likes the Cherry ones.

I also has ordered a trailer load of Waffle mix and Funnel Cake batter.

#3 = Friends - I has lots of friends and they is all coming with me. There is Mumzie and Old what's his name? Uh - Da - that's his name. His name is Da. They will be my main backups for stuff like Waffle making, Pronto Pup cooking Tater Tot serving, Funnel Cake dusting, tummie rubbing and Limo Driving for me and my possey

Take With us? Well, we are leaving the building that day, cause I aint hanging around for no End of the World event.



 #4 = Get away vehicle - You need a get away vehicle if you plans on getting away, which I do.

I can't discuss this baby, except to say I purchased it from this dude:

Does look a lot like him doesn't it? (wink wink) Yep the whole thing was faked. Most of you already suspected that, or will now claim that you did. He actually is a Crown Prince from another place. Hasn't aged a day in 50 years. He and the Colonel did it all with latex and stage make-up.

Can you come with us?

I think not. You see I has discovered the secret to time manipulation. We has already left and we aint even gone yet.

I Feels Obligated to Report

There is some really scary stuff coming up that we needs to get prepared for.

11/11/11 scary?

Nope - that's only the end of the world and we're talking much more worser than that

Friday the 13th coming on a Sunday next month scary?

Granted, that scary fact makes a little PolyBear's nose hairs stand on end in fear, but even scarier than that.

Yes, worser that anything I has mentioned so far. We'ze talking really scary so get prepared.

Yikes! Scarier than this.

Yipes! but even worser than this.

So bad that fluffy kitty passed out in fear!

(wimp)

So scary that it makes even this look like keylime fluffystuff pie (Mumzie's is the best you'll ever eat). As brave as I is, even I can't take much more of this kin'da stuff. However we must go on, so get ready to be frightened out of your noodle pie.

Demon Dogs? In disguise? Right outisde your door?

I know. Scares me too, but you must know about this danger at the door.

There was a time when all you had to worry about was Vacuum Cleaner Salespeoples when the bell rang and you opened the door, but door opening times is gettin worser and worster every day.

You needs to know the truth, so as long as I can stands it, I'll show you the truth if you can take it, cause that's the kind of PolyBear I is.

Some of this stuff is pretty bad, so suck it up Pilgrim and get ready for the worstest few minutes of fear you has had since you decided to log on here.

I know, why must you be forced to look at this dark terror that might come knocking at your door one dark and scary night?

 

The levels they will stoop to are fiendish

Halp!

Woah!

Enough!

Even I has had too much!

OK, you has been warned! There is only one line of defense you can use when these horrible terrible frightful demon dogs of the night comes knocking on your door, ready to woof down your brains. Pay attention! All youse guys are thinking about is that candy bar down at the Stop-and-Shop calling to you or those tater chips waiting for you to come and get them out of the pantry cabinet and you need to be paying attention to me!

The lives of your fambily could depend on your strict adherence to these instructions.

Take notes if you care about your children!



1 - Keep a pile of these attention diversion devices close to the front door at all times

2 . When they shows up, and trust me, they will.

3 - As quickly as possible, and remember - every fraction of a nanosecond matters, throw the device as far away from the door as possible.

4 - Hopefully the Demon Dog will be lured away from you long enough for you to secure your home - IF YOU ACT QUICKLY.

 

 

5 - And no, dummy - Do not reopen the door - Don't you understand they are still hiding out there as long as it is still dark. Didn't you learn anything when you watched Halloween 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, or 13? What happened in "I know your name and I know what you did" when that cheerleader girl opened the door and stepped out into the dark? Well, the same thing will happen to you. I can hear them breathing just outside the door. Can't you?

6 - There is a second (alternate) attention diversion device you might consider

 

This works with some of them.

Good luck. You will need it. I have little hope for some of you dummies. My buddy Leggo Larry expresses my opinion of some of you very well.

There is no reason to name names. You already knows who you is.

Sheesh!