Hoo Doggies!

I has gathered you guys together tonight to sing the praises of
 

 

How could anyone let a week go by without a lovely red tubular slab of nitrate processed beef or pork wrapped up in baked wheat carbohydrate with spicy condiments, tasty vegetables 

 and meat sauce accompaniments?

Yes, we is talking Doggies!

Simple doggies

 

 

Spicy toppings

 

 

Chilled (yummy - extra onions for the PolyBear)

 

Cheesed (you betcha)

 

Qu'ed (I'm falling in love - prolly need a bath after this guy)

 

 

Krauted (Mumzie's Favorite)

 

Junked up (Too much fer me) 

 

 

Dressed to the nines (A Chi-town wonder - is that a kitchen sink under that pepper?)

 

They come in all sizes (Evidently Miz. Martha likes'em lengthy)

 

 

And whatever level of weirdness you can stand (something for everyone)

With Great Variety (Can you run us through the list again, please?)

and exotic Splendor (Today's special is one of each!)

 

And we all has our favorites (How could a few strips of !!! Bacon !!! be wrong?)

Having one for lunch is just like an invitation to a party

But

 

What in the world does some folks think? (Dang Communists)

Ain't them little guys cute? (they needs mustard)

Don't get me started...

(heaven fried up on a stick - double size that order for me, please)

 

This is just wrong/wrong on a whole bunch of levels

(Sorry Mumzie, Da made me post it)

 

I has ordered Da one of these for Christmas delivery.

He needs a hobby to share with his little PolyBear on the weekends.

Oh Da!!

I knows its late, but can we's go to the Sonic for a Footlong With Chili and TaterTots?

Mumzie said it could just be us guys!

Oh, and

Would we bring her back a Chocolate Malt?

BIG FOOT

A Report on the current state of Scientific Hominoid Investigation by

ZeroBear PolyBear, Esq.

Yo guys - whazzup?

Have you heard about the latest Big Foot sightings? No? Well I haven't either, but that's not going to slow this PolyBear down any. I thought I would bring everyone up to date on my interwebs investigation into this fascinating zoological phenonetestomonia.

Prepare to be amazed.

 

Here is the big guy in his classic pose:

I wonders if he has fleas. Since this first photo of the big guy back in 1967, scientific investigators from all over the world, faithful patrons of 3 beer joints and two tune-up mechanics who work second shift at the Husqvarna chain saw repair shop in Salem, Oregon have been scouring the Northwest woods with cameras, hoping to secure additional evidence of big hairy guys prowling the forests in cheezy ape suits.

Here is leading researcher Buzz Billingsly in the soon to be famous (right after I posts his photo on my internationally perused interwebs blog site) photo of him in the woods pointing driectly at the place where

Big Foot never passed through an opening in the trees.

Next Evidence

Here is a seldom published photo of histerical significance showing Da's Uncle Luther with a Big Footed Beast he bagged with a 12 gauge back in 1927. Seems that Uncle Luther failed to have a license for hunting hairy beasts and spent 18 months on the county farm after this photo was first published in The Arkansas Big Foot Hunter's Ledger, Hog Farmers' Post and Johnny Pot Reader's Gazette.
 

Uncle Luther is the not quite so hairy one on the left.

Next Evidence:
 

This is one of my favorite pieces of Big Foot Evidence, captured out in California on Bismal Beach. Yes, it is the well known Bismal Beach footprints, a photo taken in 1984 by famed Big Foot Researcher and snappy casual dresser Gregory Greenchinos.

Frankly, I is impressed. Yeah, I know, stop calling you Frank
 

(above)

 I understand Big Foot hunters in Oregon are so concerned that sightings have fallen off up there that they have taken to drastic measures to seek out new evidence of the Big Guy's existence.

Good description - "Hair: Everywhere"

However I has my doubts that postings such as shown above 
will ever flush any of the big guys out into the open.

Next - Big Foots  in NY, NY
(A city so nice they named it twice)
 

Evidently the Foot Locker Corporation believes that they can lure the elusive Big Footed beasts out with their latest promotion. If he can dunk or do the alleyoop, I guess the Knicks will sign him. It couldn't hurt them. However I question whether having big feet will help your ball handling skills or your dribble.

Caution!

I understand that some Big Foots are now striking back at the searchers and researchers. Some have even taken to arming themselves against intruders.

evidence?

This specimen has armed himself with a Jedi Knight light saber weapon. Beware seekers, searchers and researchers. The life in danger may be yours.

Conclusions?
 

So, what does the world's leading PolyBear Big Foot expert think about all of this?

I actually saw Big Foot at the Lauderdale County Fair last night.

In fact, I took two photos.

Got the first one from the side and a second photo head on.

Pretty good shots, too. 

Here they are Big Foot entheusiasts.

Side Photo

Head on Photo

Ha Ha - Gottcha

Ok I did manage to find one last photo of a young big foot
for you guys to feast your eyeballs on.

This is one of the rare photos,
because not only is the big foot that is shown
here quite young,
but he is also fairly clean cut.

Ever diligent in service to the scientific world,

ZeroBear PolyBear, Esq.

Da's Midlife Crisis

Da is kind'a upset tonight

It all started with this dang midlife crisis car.

And he bought this show off tag, kinda over the top isn't it.
Don't know why he had to put a vanity tag on a yeller car,
as if people wouldn't notice it already.

Mumzie couldn't keep him out of it.

I can't imagine why he'd throw his keys right in front of me
on the chest of drawers every night.

Temptation?

So, what's a bear to do?
Yep - Take that puppy for a spin.

Hard to see over the dash. Good acceleration.
Let me recreate my experience

Vaaaarrrrrrrrroooooooooommmmmmmm!

eeeekk!

WHAM!

Think there's a chance he might not notice?

I sort'a thought the same way.

Anyone know a good body shop?

MAybe someone who works on School Buses?

They would probably have yeller paint.

!!!! OH NOSE !!!!

Has you seen these guys?

I gott'a tell you, I thought there was reasons to be scared of zombies, but no zombie can come close to the outright scaryness of these slimy crawl on you freaks.

They is called Snails!

There is no explaining them, so let me do that for you.

There are tiny Snails that can sneak right up your nose and eat your eyeballs out.

Da found this one UP HIS NOSE!

They is smart, too. This one has learned that we know about them crawling up our noseholes and so he is looking for a finger hole to crawl up into. Devious? I think so!

Next example - They can get incredibly big

These guys (yes there is three of them, indicating they travels in packs) are big enough to slime a Toyota. Now don't get too scared, but the next photo is ...

AWFUL!

Yes, that is an entire fambly, complete with luggage riding to their doom on the back of that humongus (humongoose? humangoose?) snail.

Next scary thing...they is camoflagging themselves to make us lower our guard.

DO NOT be deceived - Yes their babies is cute.

But when they get through sucking out your brains, you will be reduced to nothing more than a pile of

Yes, that's right! A pile of GOO!

Oh wait.

Gimmie me a minute here.

Evidently they is cute and friendly creatures. Maybees even happy, cute and friendly little slime trail makers.

OK

After further research I understands that they is also a tatsy pre-entre appetizer if you can get enough butter and garlic on them. Only thing I see missing here is some crusty bread.

Evidently I has identified a False Alarm ... sorry. Dang communists.

"Oh Mumzie - What's for dinner?

Cornflakes?"

"DO YOU KNOW WHAT A CORNFLAKE CAN DO IF IT GETS UP YOUR NOSE?"



Duck Tape?

Have you heard of this stuff?

I is impressed, but confused.

Is it used for taping ducks or is it tape made from ducks?

 

Duck Tape Projects

 

I made Da a nice hat,

but he refused to have his picture made wearing it.

I was hoping to market them to WallyMart and hit the big time.

They would be a big deal in Alabama and Georgia.

I also reinforced Da's favorite java cup.

I did a good job and he should have been happy at how sturdy it is.

Unfortunately now I is grounded. 

Anyone know how to get Duck Tape off a FluffyKitty?

There is a possibility I may be in big trouble.

RazzleFrazzlingHorseDoofers.

How was I to know how sticky that stuff is?

Cat-A-Pultz

What can I say?
 All of this started as a rather slow Sunday Afternoon.
Mumzie was in her girlcave watchng Dr Zhivago.

And Da was in the bedroom pulling down some zzzzzzzzs. Me and Fluffykitty was doing a little medieval warfare research, specifically testing out my cat-a-putz.  A while back, I had completed some concept work:

Revized the name to avoid some nasty copyrite laws and drew up some plans that a carpenter buddy over in Uniontown, Alabama converted into a nifty siege-engine. Those who know me have already guessed that as long as I have access to Mumzie's Visa card and Mr. Google's site on the interwebs I can have just about any idea I might have converted from a brainfart into a fully working device in no time at all.

My trial runs on my unit utilized a fabricated placebo unit to mimic what I considered to be the intended projectile:

 and I must say the outcome was very satisfying. Before we get into the report of the maiden launch, I need to share some information about Fluffykitties that I have discovered. Firstest and most importantly, FluffyKitties are not as brave as they claim to be when they are trudging around on Mumzie and Da's linen duvet while the parential units are out at the Piggly Wiggly Market buying dewberries, crunchynuts, oatmeal and raisins to incorporate into some kind of weird Saturday morning butter biscuits. In fact, it is almost impossible to get a FluffyKitty into the launch bucket of a Cat-A-Pultz unit, especially when you has the launch rope in your hand. However there are ways to accomplish almost any plan if you work at it hard enough.

I have proven that not only can you lead a FluffyKitty to a Cat-A-Plutz, but you can also lure him into the launch bucket.

You may not know this, but it is possible to entice most fluffykitties into the working end of a cat-a-pultz if you lure them there with an open can of Chicken of the Sea Tuna and that's exactly what I did with Fluffykitty this afternoon. Here is a verbal recounting of what occurred followed by visual documentation:

1. "Here FulffyKitty, pretty FluffyKitty."
2. "Meow?"
3. "Nice tuna snack FluffyKitty"
4. Munch munch, "mew mew."
5. "All systems ready?"
6. Munch munch, "mew, mew..."
7. "4..3..2..1..Launch!"
8. "!!!! Yowl !!!!"

Fluffy Kitty is such a hoot when he gets surprized! Not to worry - He is OK (i think) but for some reason has decided to spend a while hiding under the sofa in the living room (cluck, cluck, cluck).

Sadly I has been put on bahavior modification therapy (as if that ever worked on anyone) and have lost TV privileges for a few days. One thing - there is a Grizzly-Adams-a-thon on the Fambly Network tomorrow night. Is there anyone who would DVD it for a poor under detention restriction PolyBear? If you has a fluffykitty, I'd loan you my cat-a-pultz for a week in exchange.

You must provide your own Chicken of the Sea.





ZeroBear's New Machine is Up & Running

That Greggslist.com interwebs site is a remarkable (hiss) place.

Did you know that if you can sneak Mumzie's Credit Card (Visa # 8854-3256-8765-0140) out of her wallet and set the linkup properties on Da's I-potty handheld unit just right, you can access the interwebs and in no time at all find yourself a nice sturdy army surplus computer.

This baby only set me back $9.56 and they shipped it to me second day UPS for only $232,874.65 shipping and handling. I has it hid in the storage room. It came with IBM Porthole 1.2 operating system and they suggested I get an update. I'm considering going back to DOS. Da has several copies in his file cabinet and I'll just upgrade to one of them if I can find the floppy drive on this baby. I haven't found it yet, but Shirley there is a dish on this thing that DOS would operate.

Right now, my machine is set up to run on steam, but I may have it converted to Nuclear power. I found a TVA Community Development Grant application last night (http://www.freegovernmenteconomicstimulusmoneyfromtva.com/) that should cover the rest of the costs, as long as I can obtain a few pounds of Plutonium.  I may have to wait a while to get my fuel. It seems Mumzie's Visa card is maxed out at the moment. Shirley Da will take care of that the next time he pays the bills. If you don't hear from me, I may need to hide out for a day or two after he squares up her account, which seems to be around $230,000 overdrawn.

I have a technical problem

When I hit the enter key a few minutes ago, this jumped out of a little slot at me.

Anybody have any idea what it is? Every time I stick it back in, it just whirrs, clicks a few times, a little bell dings and spits it back out again. Must be an input/output error. Might be a virus (cough-cough-sniffle-wheeze). That would serve me right for not ordering the one they had with the T2 Icosahedral Virus Smacker Pak already installed. I'll Google my query and maybe find an answer. I have no idea who Mr. Google is, but he is one smart/kinky dude. You'd think some of that stuff he posts would be against the law. I wish he would make up his mind on what Icon he wants for his web page. I made up my mind months ago. I bet he lives down the street from that guy Mr. Mickery O. Soft.

I have located some DonaldDucknium and need to find out if it will 

substitute for Plutonium? The TVA guys can't answer my questions. They have the money to buy a reactor plant. You'd think they would know what would work as a power source for my puter. I think if I just slip it in that slit where that card with the holes in it popped out, I could disconnect the steam lines and run this baby like a laptop without their power plant that they refuse to approve without 18,000 metric tons of paperwork and an EPA permit that Robert Oppenheimer himself wouldn't be able to get approved.

Did you know when you go on interweb sites looking for Plutonium, guys in dark suits and sunglasses sit in dark SUVs outside your house? They have a big antenna looking thing pointed at the house. When Da goes out, they drive away quickly and then come back as soon as he comes back inside. He asked if I knew what they wanted and I said, "Nope."

Why must everything be my fault? Did he go ask Mumzie or FluffyKitty? NoooooooooOOOOOOOOOOoooooooo.

I just found out that DonaldDucknium glows in the dark. It would not only power the puter, but might also double up as a dandy nightlight. I guess that's why it is so expensive.

You Light Up My Life

Flashlights

You can't have too many flashlights, especially when you're not all that comfortable in the dark.

During a eureka moment of scientific deduction I discovered a huge scientific fact. How huge? I'm talking PhD level dissertation huge. Here it comes:

WHEN DA TURNS OUT THE LIGHTS IT GETS REALLY DARK IN OUR BEDROOM.

Sadly, he turns the lights off every night at bedtime. Not to worry though, cause I has a wonderful collection of fully loaded flash lights! Peaches and Herb like my little LED blaster. I'm more partial to my big red metal honker-nocker guy. It's a little heavy, but if ZOMBIES! should sneak in and try to suck the brains out of Mumzie (A full belly busting holiday feast) or Da (Like a little pre-dinner hordesorvers) I figure I could throw it across the room and whack somebody into tomorrow-land. Any roomers you may have heard that Da is sporting a big old side of his honker brusey-bump are ficticious (at least overblown) and have nothing to do with a certain polybear's late night target practice. 

Look at these babies. That yellow guy is my old PolyBearScout 6 volt Eagle Blaster. Bagged me a government employee Baldy-bird one afternoon with that baby. One throw - 47 feet - Whack! The Game ranger was not pleased, but eventually he regained his senses, shook it off and flew away. The baldy-bird, not the ranger - I missed him. Another trumped up Federal charge averted...

Asta - La-Vista, Baby Cakes

(I is learning Swartzenhigger Speak in preparation for a career in the flckers)